I want to save peoples’ lives. One of the main goals of my life is to touch as many people as possible and bring them life. By doing this, I hope to help rescue those who are struggling with pain, illness, and darkness.
However, before I can help others, I need to remember to help myself. Although I am making progress in recovery, I still fight each day to stay alive. I need to be saved from myself before I can devote all of myself to transforming the world.
The past two days have been especially difficult. Keeping myself safe has drained my energy which leads me to feel more depressed. Thus I continue to fall into a deep dark hole with no bottom. Although I flail about, attempting to grasp onto the walls and crawl out, I hurtle down through space.
But I want to stop. If I could snap my fingers and be cured, I would. My poor family has dealt with plenty of pain and turmoil because of me. Many days when it feels impossible to carry on, I think of them and force myself to just keep trekking on.
Fighting with myself mentally, physically, and emotionally every day is exhausting. Imagine fighting off an angry tiger or an armed man. Now add in someone hissing all of your flaws in your ear and being covered by leeches sucking out your energy. Then put all of that inside of your head and try to function in normal life. Often, it seems impossible.
Every time that I conquer my harmful desires, I feel weak and depleted. Relentless, my thoughts start in at me at once. Once again, I have failed and proved I am a lazy brat for choosing my fear over action. Bringing me down, my mind already sets me up to have another episode.
However here is the truth. If you struggle with these thoughts or know anyone who does, please pay attention to this. Strength is choosing life. Of course I feel drained after deciding to not kill myself; I just conquered myself. Each time that I choose to stay alive, my hope and resilience strengthen.
My heart goes out to all those who feel so hopeless that they cannot hang on any longer. I understand how you feel, I really do. However, I am begging you to keep fighting for life. There is a purpose for you that no one else in this world can fill. I can’t pretend that it won’t be painful. Life is so difficult especially for those with suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, and other illnesses. Yet, I believe that I have gained strength from these struggles. Hopefully, one day I will be at the point where I no longer deal with these hateful urges.
Yet, even if I deal with this monster in my head forever, I will not give in. I will continue to try to be a bright light and help to others. Sometimes, though, I need to take a step back and remember that I, too, need saving.