Yesterday I messed up. The temptation and means to hurt myself arose and I caved. Restriction also whispered my name and I obeyed its orders. Miserable, I called my mother and told her the truth. Of course, she was upset and confused. So was I. How could I have given in to this urge after working so hard to move forward in recovery? What kind of hypocrite was I to be trying to help others but not following my own advice?
Looking back on yesterday, I still feel ashamed. My mom leaves for less than two days and I fall apart. As a twenty-one year-old woman, I should be able to function independently. However I am not a normal young adult; although I am growing and maturing, I still need more care than others my age. Yet I should be able to keep myself safe even with my mom gone.
However, recovery is not a linear process. Some days are amazing and then the next can be awful. Everyone has their ups and downs. Moving toward health consists of not continuing to slip downward. Thus, what happened to me yesterday was normal; hard to deal with, yes, but normal in the process of recovery.
Am I happy or proud of my lapse? No, but I am trying not to heap guilt upon myself. If I start to beat myself up, things will become worse. Instead, I am going to attempt to exhibit self-compassion. I messed up but today will be better. Everyone makes mistakes but I will not let my stumble turn into a collapse. Even though I messed up, I am still on the road to recovery.
Although I gave in yesterday, I am not giving up on myself. I will keep moving forward. Hopefully, I will not stumble like this again but if I do, I still will not surrender. Mistakes may be made along the path to my recovery but I will still get there. I will never ever allow my illness to defeat me.