Just Sitting Around at Home

Just Sitting Around at Home

Enjoying the beauty of the St. Croix River

Yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror and wanted to scream.  All I had done that afternoon was sit at home alone.  While my family worked or spent time being with others, I rested in my room.  The whole afternoon had been wasted because I had no life worth talking about.  Sure, I am an introvert with social anxiety, Aspergers, and depression that hold me back but I still should be out in the world doing more to make a difference and help others.

This is a situation I find myself in often.  While others my age toil in fast-paced jobs, hang out with friends, relax on romantic dates, and squabble with roommates, I wait alone for my life to begin.  When I am overly busy, my anxiety boils over and functioning is difficult.  However, when I have no schedule or purpose, I feel worthless and depressed.  It seems that I am stuck in a lose-lose situation.

The truth is that I am growing a great deal.  Last summer, I would have never blogged, ate in front of others, or hung out with friends occasionally.  Two summers ago, I would not have worked the amount that I am or been in Toastmasters.  When I check the facts, I realize that I have attended to several parties, multiple medical appointments weekly, other social events, Toastmaster meetings, and family get-togethers.  Also, I am starting a new job, have hung out with friends, hosted and wrote a mystery party, and created a website.  When I look back at the shy miserable girl I used to be, I know that I have come a long way.  Sure, I am not doing as much in my life as others my age but that is ok.  I am going through life at a different pace.  My path looks different than my siblings’ or even my peers’.

I am unique which means that my journey through life will look different from anyone else’s.  This is a scary thought for me.  Will anyone ever see potential in me and hire me?  Am I ever going to be independent and move out to live on my own?  What if I never amount to anything?  Will all of my days be spent the same way that they often are now, alone in my room?

I do not know the answers to any of those questions.  However, I do continue to hold onto a glimmer of hope for the future.  Yes, it will be difficult but there will also be beauty and light in it as I continue to move toward recovery.  Attempting to be kind and self-compassionate, I keep reminding myself to take life day by day and not beat myself up for mistakes.  Little by little, I am moving toward a more normal healthy life.

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2 thoughts on “Just Sitting Around at Home

  1. Robert Pierce says:

    I believe I have read all of your blogs and find them very interesting. I like to know more about people that I come in contact with. Have you considered putting these blogs into a book? You have done a lot of the preparation needed for a book, references etc. How to write a book might be a new area of knowledge to explore. Your insights are remarkable and your candor is admirable.
    Maybe we can talk sometime at Toastmasters.
    Bob Pierce

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