The last few days have been extremely draining and difficult. After being in the hospital and depression day programming at the beginning of this year, my negative thoughts have mellowed. Through my treatment, I finally found hope for my life. Instead of viewing the future as a black hole of loneliness and agony, I began to see a glimmer of light. Slowly but surely, I started to allow joy back into my life without feeling guilty. Dreams long repressed once again filled me with excitement. The motivation to restrict or harm myself was replaced by the desire to help others, travel the world, write books, and go to school. Hope began to fill my life for the first time in years.
However, lately I am feeling rather drained of that hope. Although I am still fighting for recovery, I have slipped more often back into old unhealthy habits. Frustrated with myself, I berate my mistakes which ends up pushing me further into negative behaviors. It is a bit like a never-ending cycle. Now I am not stuck on that downward spiral thankfully. Yet I feel that I am teetering on the edge of a cliff. A slight move in the wrong direction and I careen down into a relapse.
My caregivers and family all wonder what is causing this struggle. I myself am a bit in the dark. Could it be starting up school full-time for the first time in two years? Last time I took a normal load of credits, I ended up becoming anorexic. Am I under too much pressure with the activities that I am in? Often I feel like a lazy person who does nothing; how can I be too busy? Do I need a goal to aim toward like I did with my trip to England last semester? Has something unknown triggered me? Am I picking up stress of others around the house? There are so many questions but few answers.
What I know is that I may be slipping but I am not going to relapse or lose all hope. No way! I have worked far too hard to give up now. All of the treatment and agonizing growth I have been through has not been in vain. I must move forward with my life and continue to grow in health, wisdom, and love for others as well as myself. There is no second question about it in my mind.
However I really need some comfort. There have been periods in the last few days when I crumble inside into a messy pile of shame and self-doubt. Darkness creeps all over my body until it fills not only my mind but my eyes, skin, ears, mouth, and nose. These moments turn the world and everything in it into dangerous filthy objects. Nauseous, I long to curl up under my covers and hide away from my life.
Even more than that though, I want to be held. Yesterday at rough spot, I tried calling my mother forty times to no avail. Shaking anxiously, I thought I would not be able to survive if she did not answer. Although I was able to calm down a bit and speak with my sister instead, that longing for someone to be there lingered on throughout the rest of the day. Even now I feel the pleading desire. Normally I get a bit nervous when people (especially those I do not know well) touch me. However, I am willing to forgo that discomfort if someone would be willing to open up their arms and invite me in.
I need to feel warm arms wrapped around me, promising to protect me from harm. I need to hear another person’s heartbeat to remember that they are human just as I am. I need to see eyes gazing down at me without judgement but with love and hope for me. Oh, I really just wish that someone would hold me!
So, I want to encourage all support people to spend a little bit of time holding those you are caring for. This might not be physical; you can do it mentally or emotionally if they would prefer that. However, please reach out to them like this because being held and comforted is a need for every person. To those who are struggling, if you can find someone your trust to hold you, try to ask for what you need. There is absolutely no shame in that. And please know that I am holding all of you who are struggling in my thoughts and prayers! You are not alone and there is someone who cares for you even if I might be many miles away!