After sleeping less than six hours but spending that much time in classes, I dragged myself home yesterday and promptly spent the evening finishing homework. I needed to get at least a week ahead of all of my classes. That way I could handle my jobs, Toastmasters, editing the student newspaper, blogging daily, cooking weekly, walking at least once a day, and practicing for the show. Normal college students juggle even more activities than me so I just needed to stop being a wimp and do it all.
Well, I have already reached my breaking point. All of these activities along with being a full-time student who is determined to get As, commuting each day 1 1/2 hours, at least two weekly medical appointments, and being able to breathe proved to be too much. So, I looked at all of my hopes for this semester once again. My family and friends have all been telling me that I needed to let go of something. Finally, I accepted this depressing fact and surrendered one of my dreams.
I am not auditioning for the show Oklahoma. All of the planning, hoping, and envisioning I had done about being Laurie is being tucked away. The high notes I practiced singing all summer, dances I choreographed in the woods, and drawling accent I attempted will all go to waste. My daydreams of gingham dresses, braids, and standing in center stage will slowly be forgotten
Part of me is relived. After all, I have awful memories of that show and hate certain parts. Not only is it embarrassing for me to sit through (much less invite my parents to), the content triggers me a lot. Also I was in no way ready physically, mentally, or emotionally. Plus, who know if I would have even gotten in much less been cast as the lead. So, this is all for the best.
Surrendering a dream can be painful. If you have longed for something for years, realizing that your vision is unrealistic stings bitterly. Over the years, I have come to understand that there are some talents I do not possess. As hard as I try, I will never be a professional dancer. My coordination often causes me to stumble. If I practiced considerably, I would certainly improve. However I believe that it is good to know one’s limitations as well as one’s strength’s.
Because here is an important thing to remember that most people do not tell you growing up: your struggles and weaknesses are as much a part of you as your strengths. Does that mean you give into being impatient, unwilling to listen, or klutzy? No, you learn where the gift is in the areas you think of as negatives. For example, is someone bossy or a good leader? Are you impatient or quick-thinking? Learning about your weak areas, striving to keep maturing, and finding out who you are at your best can be a terrifying and beautiful experience.
Anyway, so back to giving up a dream. I have said farewell to many hopes and wishes for the future. Parties were planned that never occurred, roles were played that no one saw, stories were written but only in my mind. Probably too often, I give up on myself. However, this is not me failing to follow through. My choice to not be in Oklahoma is a wise decision that is caring for myself in the long run. Plus, I am not completely surrendering this dream; I am merely tucking it away for later. One day, I will return to the stage. Hopefully, I will even get my turn in the spotlight. I know that I have many weaknesses and I am learning that is normal. However, my strengths can shine brighter and help me to one day return to this buried dream.