So several months ago, I blogged about my doctor leaving unexpectedly. This even shook me greatly. I still have not recovered from the sorrow of losing a doctor who I trusted so much.
Now, I found out that another part of my care team is leaving at the end of this month. Today, my wonderful dietitian told me that she is leaving my treatment center. Shocked, I just stared at her. How could she leave? After all, she had promised that even after I had recovered, I could swing in to say hello. Why would she abandon me?
My dietitian and I have a bit of an interesting history. When I first was admitted to this treatment facility, I was given an out-patient dietitian. We met twice and only finished my intake before I began the all-day groups. Although I liked my first dietitian, we started meeting when I was in a very difficult spot.
During the day programming, I met other dietitians. One of them interested me greatly. No only was she from another country, she also had been in the Olympics. An avid Olympic watcher, I stood in awe of this woman. Finally, I gathered the courage to ask to switch dietitians so that I could meet with her. Applauding me for using “my voice,” the treatment center readily agreed.
At first, I could barely speak out of amazement of this woman. Our sessions were rather strange, seeing as I blushed whenever I dared look her in the face. Who was I to speak with this marvelous strong athlete? But slowly, I gained confidence and lost my fear of her. My respect and loyalty, however, grew as we became closer. Soon, I trusted her with secrets I had told no one else. She convinced me to eat when no one else could and reminded me of my strength. Many times, I grumbled and cried but later thanked her for her care.
So now that she is leaving I feel lost. Negative thoughts swirl through my head blaming me. If only I had been a better patient, she would want to stay. No one loves me and they will always desert me. All those that I love will leave me without warning because I am worthless.
To make matters worse, I refused to eat my full meal after the news. For the first time in all of our sessions, she gave up trying to convince me. As I complained about the added protein, she gave me numerous options to choose. But my eating disorder screamed no and my confused, miserable mind did not have the strength to fight. When I finally agreed to something, I continued to argue against eating it. To my horror and shock, she picked up that part of the meal and threw it in the garbage.
I got my way. It felt miserable.
Without any anger, she did this action. Honestly, I would have eaten that part of the meal despite my panicked protesting. So, her calm disposal of it confused and frightened me. A few moments later, as I began sobbing heavily, her eyes glistened with pain. That is part of what I will miss the most about her; she cares so very much for me. It is not fake or just about forcing me to eat. My dietitian wants me to be happy and well.
So I left not wanting to tell her the truth. After all, nothing I can say will make her stay. Despite the close bond I feel with her, our relationship remains client and medical personal. That is it. When she leaves, there will be nothing but my memories of her left. As hard as it is, that is what happens with professional care givers. You pour out your heart to them but in the end, they will vanish from your life.
Still, I am thankful to this amazing lady. Without her, I probably would not be alive. Through my ups and downs, she has been there. Because of her help, I can now mourn this loss but stay strong instead of relapsing. She might be leaving my life but the memory of her and the lessons she taught me will stay deep in my heart forever.