Emotions are difficult. Often I have longed to feel numb to the pain in my life. Restricting food, overeating, hurting myself, and isolating all helped me to escape from painful emotions. However, this unhealthy coping skills only brought more grief in the end. Only through years of treatment, hours of appointments, and medication have I begun to heal.
Yet, I still long for this numbness. Despite my progress toward recovery, the temptation to fall backwards haunts me daily. Sometimes I even wish that I had never started to heal or experience emotions. After all, what is better – being miserable but able to feel or being dead inside so nothing hurts you? Normally, my mind says to choose life with pain. But after deep wounds, I struggle with which option to pick.
That is how I feel after Lexi’s death. Part of me wants to die. In fact, the urge to kill myself has increased strongly. How could I have not taken better care of my grandkitten? The hole in my heart throbs miserably whenever joy begins to distract me from my pain.
However, I know that giving up is not the answer. Numbing the pain will only work for so long. After that, the unhealthy coping skills will either make me more miserable in the future, close me off in isolation from the outside world, or kill me. Even in my depressed mind, I know that these options lead only to the pain of myself and those around me.
So, I will let the emotions out while trying to stay safe. Yes, feeling hurts but numbness kills you inside. I will choose life, pain, and loss which will also bring hope, love, and joy. Life was never supposed to be easy. However it is worth it. Please remember that if you are struggling. Numbing the pain destroys you inside while experiencing emotions pierces your heart but allows life to progress and grow. In the end, allowing all emotions in will bring you greater joy, peace, and thankfulness.