“Here, try some of this cookie. It is really good.” Before I could respond, a classmate deposited a small chunk of her treat into my hand. Normally, I would have smiled awkwardly and found an excuse. However, no words came to my mind at this sudden gesture so I popped the treat into my mouth. The rest of Tuesday, that forbidden bite haunted me. However, the sweet taste of peanut butter and oats remained dancing on my tongue.
Yesterday, another friend convinced me to have some London Fog at our school cafe – Earl Grey tea with steamed milk. Part of me screamed no, but after sipping a bit of his, I caved. Funnily enough, my thoughts taunted more quietly than I expected. Slowly, I am beginning to eat more normally. That both encourages and terrifies me.
This Thankfulness Thursday, I decided to focus on my favorite foods that I often fear eating. Most of them are foods that I am starting to eat again slowly or hoping to in the near future. Incorporating some of them slowly into my daily life has caused great anxiety. However each time I take a step forward, recovery strengthens as does my hope for the future.
If this list will trigger you, please do not read it! This is meant to encourage, not judge, all who look at it.
377. Cheese – Funnily enough, I have started eating this milk source more because I need to take a calcium tally (or part of my meal plan) to school with me. Yogurt, milk, and other calcium sources are safer but difficult to transport. Admitting my love and consumption of cheese frightens me. However, that is the truth no matter how people may judge me.
378. Bananas – Odd right? Most fresh fruit frightens me but especially bananas. These too I am slowly having more often.
379. Pizza – This is probably one of the foods people in treatment mention fearing the most. The power a single slice of pizza has over so many people saddens me. One day, I will hopefully enjoy this again.
380. Carrots – Perhaps this is only because I view lettuce as safer. Rabbit eat carrots, horses eat carrots, and people can eat carrots. You would think that this would calm my anxieties.
381. Ice Cream – I binged on many of these items in the past. Thus, having them again makes me feel like I am over-eating. Even in treatment, this dessert tasted nasty to me because of bad memories. In the past few months, I have tried it again a few times and actually began to enjoy it. Score against the eating disorder!
382. Bagels – This is something that I think I like but am not sure about my feelings. Honestly, I have forgotten how they taste.
383. Peanut Butter – Although I have found a safer version of this delicious spread, my eating disorder keeps this far away from me.
384. Chips – Nachos especially used to be my comfort food. Now I wish that I could incorporate them in a healthy amount. This is a goal that I have to continue working on in the coming year.
385. Nuts – Once again, I think that I like these but cannot really remember. When my family eats them, the crunch tantalizes my ears.
386. Juice – Early in my eating disorder, I did not realize that juice had calories. After I did, flavored drinks rarely passed through my lips. Now, I sometimes look at them with longing.
387. Jelly – What is nice than jelly on toast with peanut butter? Well, there are probably plenty of things. However, I do miss this spread. If I end up going to England this summer, perhaps I can enjoy some over there.
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