Gollum from The Lord of the Rings has always had a place in my heart. Despite his murderous desire for the ring and loathsome appearance, I love this character and wish that he had a happy ending. Deep down, he reminds me of myself.
People usually raise their eyebrows and laugh uncomfortably when I mention this. So let me put your mind at ease. I am not so attached to anything that I would murder someone. My body image is not quite so bad that I think that I look like this creature. And I certainly do not attend to bite off anyone’s fingers.
However, some similarities still remain. Part of me tortures my more sensitive side, claiming that I am a monster who is unlovable. Sometimes, I lack trust and rely on myself instead of allowing others in to my life. If we all searched ourselves, we might find a bit of Gullom inside who constantly berates us while claiming to be the only thing that saves us.
Another way that I relate to Gullom is in his use of the word “precious.” Although there is no ring that I fancy, my eating disorder is fixated on certain silverware. At home, no one but me can use the special spoon and fork. These are to be used by me and me alone. Although I am slowly using other silverware at new places, these are the only utensils allowed into my mouth at home.
This ritual might seem strange. However, it is not uncommon for someone with an eating disorder, aspergers, or OCD much less all of them combined. The slender shape, short stature, and light shine of this spoon and fork make me feel less anxious and guilty while eating. Without them, I fear looking like a slob or pig.
Even as I write this, it sounds stupid. Why can’t I simply pick up another spoon for my oatmeal? Green beans would be the same on or off of that fork. Yet, I am stuck in a cycle of only using these utensils.
My precious silverware are slowly having less of a grip on me. As mentioned above, I eat off of plastic silverware or cafeteria utensils sometimes at school. Still, that Gollum-like panic and desire stirs up in me each time. Hopefully, one day it will fade away and leave me in peace. Until then, I keep trying to find my Mount Doom to throw the silverware into while clinging to them desperately.