Right now, I feel ready to either burst into sobs or pull out all of my hair. Anxiety rushes through my body like a million spiders trapped under my skin. How on earth will I get through the rest of this day all by myself? Right now, I keep asking myself that while trying not to think of death or self-harm.
In a few hours, I am leaving for a speech tournament. However, all of the plans exploded in my face. Now, my greatest fear might need to be faced. Instead of riding with others to the competition, I might be driving myself and someone else through busy traffic to an unknown area. Cars terrify me, and although I commute every day, riding in those high-speed killing machines fills me with dread. What will happen if I need to find directions to a new place with the pressure of arriving on time?
Plus, I cannot contact anyone else. Over the weekend, a goal had been to put more minutes on my phone. Instead, my mother convinced me to wait for a better phone instead of the flip one that I have from years ago. However, now I cannot talk with my parents or receive help from others. Add to this my intense fear of eating out and my instructors command that I eat with the speech team. I feel so alone, afraid, and lost.
No one would want to deal with me like this, so I am trying to hide it. However, the weight of my anxiety and fear is crushing me. How can handle this situation? Who can I turn to for help? Although I have been more honest with people, few have seen me at this point. No one likes a mess. As much as I try to be inspiring and hopeful, there remains in me this ugly monster who needs care. No matter how far I run or how hard I fight, this thing clings to me. I can cover it up or pretend it is gone. Moments like this remind me that I will always struggle with certain things. Who would ever be willing to put up with that? If even I want to escape, what friend or relative would stay freely?
Anyway, I am sorry that this post is not as hopeful as usual. If you are struggling, please know that you are not alone. Today is miserable, but it is just one day. Tomorrow will bring joys and sorrows anew.