Trying Not to Have a Complete Breakdown

Girl sadly thinking "what now"

Now what?

Right now, I feel ready to either burst into sobs or pull out all of my hair.  Anxiety rushes through my body like a million spiders trapped under my skin.  How on earth will I get through the rest of this day all by myself?  Right now, I keep asking myself that while trying not to think of death or self-harm.

In a few hours, I am leaving for a speech tournament.  However, all of the plans exploded in my face.  Now, my greatest fear might need to be faced.  Instead of riding with others to the competition, I might be driving myself and someone else through busy traffic to an unknown area.  Cars terrify me, and although I commute every day, riding in those high-speed killing machines fills me with dread.  What will happen if I need to find directions to a new place with the pressure of arriving on time?

Plus, I cannot contact anyone else.  Over the weekend, a goal had been to put more minutes on my phone.  Instead, my mother convinced me to wait for a better phone instead of the flip one that I have from years ago.  However, now I cannot talk with my parents or receive help from others.  Add to this my intense fear of eating out and my instructors command that I eat with the speech team.  I feel so alone, afraid, and lost.

No one would want to deal with me like this, so I am trying to hide it.  However, the weight of my anxiety and fear is crushing me.  How can handle this situation?  Who can I turn to for help?  Although I have been more honest with people, few have seen me at this point.  No one likes a mess.  As much as I try to be inspiring and hopeful, there remains in me this ugly monster who needs care.  No matter how far I run or how hard I fight, this thing clings to me.  I can cover it up or pretend it is gone.  Moments like this remind me that I will always struggle with certain things.  Who would ever be willing to put up with that?  If even I want to escape, what friend or relative would stay freely?

Anyway, I am sorry that this post is not as hopeful as usual.  If you are struggling, please know that you are not alone.  Today is miserable, but it is just one day.  Tomorrow will bring joys and sorrows anew.

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13 thoughts on “Trying Not to Have a Complete Breakdown

  1. AB says:

    First things first…take lots of deep breaths, and wear your self down a bit by doing some exercise…nothing is end of the world, everything is doable if you are calm…you will be ok, fear makes things worse, please remember that…we pray that the your time passes in a better way.
    Take care and stay blessed.

  2. Hi Anna,
    It must be in the AIR! I’ve been on edge & feel I’m in a cycle too the past few days. One day at a time my good friend. What maybe adding stress & anxiety in your life currently? May need to explore that? Your in my thoughts & prayers 🙂 *Catherine* Xo

  3. Keep strong, it can be really difficult but overcoming those fears day by day and slowly can help. You have the strength to pull through x

  4. April says:

    I don’t want to “like” your post, because I suffer from the same thing that causes me extreme anxiety. Keep working through your coping techniques, and hopefully, you will be able to ride with someone else.

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