The Tears Just Won’t Stop

230679_6016178428_265_nI don’t even know what to write. Lately, smiling and laughing has been all I can do to get through the days. However, when alone, tears stream down my face. It just will not stop.

The stress of everything is getting to me. Honestly, I feel so ready to give up but am trying to stay strong. Losing everything now and backsliding will only cause more grief for myself and my family. Putting those that I love through the misery of anorexia, deep depression, and self-harm is the last thing that I want to do.

So I am trying to make everything okay all by myself. “Come on, girl,” I whisper to myself. “Just think happy thoughts and be satisfied with life. You were doing so well last semester.”

Yet the pain continues to seep into all my body each day. I physically feel a weight hanging around my heart, a drum thudding in my brain, and a cold hand encircling my throat that brings tears to my eyes. Perhaps everyone is right. I do need a therapist again. However, where can I go? My school counseling department doesn’t want to talk to me, I do not feel ready to talk with my old therapist, and finding someone new would take too much time.

There are so many people who reached out to me with love. Honestly, friends have given me so many hugs and kind words. I want to be happy because they have been so supportive. Why can’t I just snap out of this depression and be cheerful?

Anyway, I am so sorry about this post.  It is not uplifting or helpful or anything important. Lately, I have been trying to sugarcoat things and be a responsible blogger. After all, this is meant to help others and lift you up not tell about my woes. However, honesty is important to me, so here is the truth. I can’t stop this paining and crying no matter how hard that I try.

Things will get better, and I will stay strong. Right now is just a tough time.

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28 thoughts on “The Tears Just Won’t Stop

  1. carrotykate says:

    I hate feeling like this too. The only thing I can think of that helps is to remember that it will pass in time. Sometimes it takes longer than you expect… Try and stay strong :0′

  2. foosblues says:

    There’s no such thing as a ‘responsible blogger’. Don’t worry about that kind of shit, if you want to write something, then write it. Doesn’t matter how raw it is as long as it’s honest.

  3. ashlynsully says:

    Good job staying strong. I am glad you have found an outlet through blogging. Keep it up. My email is ashlynsully@yahoo.com if you EVER need someone to vent to. Or if you ever just need someone to text I have helped so many people and I would love to build a friendship to help you as well.

    Also, sometimes whenever I get depressed I go and look at weheartit.com and search “happy thoughts” or “funny”. It doesn’t cure it but it helps. 🙂

    Have a beautiful day.

  4. I hope things do get better for you, but don’t suffer in silence; it’s the worst thing you can do. And don’t try to sugarcoat things or force yourself to feel happy. Try to figure out the root of them problem and then you’ll feel a lot better. Just try and take each day at a time. It will get worse before it gets better, when it gets better it is one of the best things in the world, trust me. I’ll say a prayer for you.

  5. celinemurray says:

    😦 I’m sorry Anna Rose. I hope you feel better soon. ❤

  6. Moose says:

    sorry to read things are tough, let the tears flow and soothe you, they are a good form of release. If you ever need someone to talk to drop me a line x

  7. April says:

    Finding another therapist may take too much time, but it is worth it. You are worth it. Sometimes we need help because snapping out of it is something that is hard to attain.

  8. Mark kent says:

    you are a very beautiful lady ANNA listen to me, i have been very Anorexic myself.you will have lots of tears and snotty nose down your face.YOU ARE NOT SAYING WHY//WHAT HAS HAPPENED TOO MAKE YOU LIKE THIS ANNA . .. i am hear if you would like too talk. I HELP OTHERS .

    e.mail mkentdad12@outlook.com.

    talk to me Anna

    mark YOUR FRIEND ________________________________ > Date: Wed, 26 Feb 2014 12:21:08 +0000 > To: mkentdad12@outlook.com >

  9. slesser1013 says:

    Anna, im here if you need anything too 🙂 love yourself you are a very talented writer. Youll get through this., Focus on your positives in your life.

  10. jefairgrieve says:

    Hi, Anna Rose–You are a beautiful human being, and you have ups and downs and struggle like the rest of us. Please remember that even when the going gets really tough, your readers support you. Just be honest about your feelings. They are part of you.

  11. Deborah says:

    None of us are perfect, and that’s ok. It’s best to be honest and real, it’s actually very courageous of you to be so transparent. 🙂
    I will keep you in my prayers. God bless you ❤

  12. Although this post wasn’t uplifting, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t helpful or important. Being a “responsible blogger” isn’t about always making your readers feel happy. Sometimes it’s about making them feel less alone in their sadness. Sometimes your honesty in sharing painful experiences can allow people to relate, to feel that they aren’t broken for feeling sad because the bloggers they look up to sometimes also feel sad. It’s also good to realise that other people get through bad things, and we can too. Please don’t feel that you shouldn’t write about your pain on this blog. You should feel comfortable writing about anything and everything you want to put up here. I think no matter what you write, chances are at least one of your followers will get something from it.

    As for snapping out of your depression and being cheerful: It’s a little like telling someone to just snap out of having a broken leg and walk. It would be really awesome if that happened, but this is real life and sometimes it doesn’t. I tried to talk myself out of my depression and anxiety disorder and now I’m in the hospital (just a psychosomatic headache, but I need to be on serious pain meds). Long story short, don’t try to ignore your feelings, and don’t treat them as if they are less serious or less real than things like diabetes or cancer. They’re not. They’re very real and you deserve to seek whatever help you need from whoever you need it from.
    Good luck! I’m always here if you need a chat.

    • Thank you so much for your support and wise words! You helped me so much to look at it my pain and blogging in a different way. The illustration of a broken leg is so good and true. I forget to think about depression that way sometimes. Thank you for reminding me!

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