The past few days, I have been feeling awful. Sometimes my head begins to spin while other times my stomach churns uneasily. In a way, my body feels like it did when I was restricting heavily. However, my food consumption has not gone down at all.
When I begin to feel sick, my first reaction is now anger. After all, I am caring for my body even though I do not want to do so. Why will it not work the way that I want it to? Why does it need to keep bothering me by acting strange and bringing pain? It is ridiculous.And yet, when my body does work, I get annoyed. Part of me likes the feeling of weakness. When my legs quiver and my head spins, there is an euphoric strength that surges through me. Holding my own and acting like everything is normal instead of fainting gives a warped sense of confidence. I am powerful enough to master my body. That is what the voice whispers in my head.
Thus, feeling good seems like a weakness. I am no longer tough enough to handle being sick. But I do not deserve to feel gross because there is too much food in my body. Whatever happens and however I feel, nothing can be right. I end up guilty and longing to either feel worse or better.
When I think about it, the stupidity of my disorder hits me hard, causing even more shame. How can I be so selfish to focus on my body, my emotions, and my pain? But in the moment, ED screams so loud in my head that I do whatever I can to block him out. That leads me to wasting a lot of time on silly activities (which is a subject for another post).
Anyway, it is difficult recovering from an eating disorder. Anyone who tells you differently does not fully understand this illness. However, it is possible.
Our bodies are strange but beautiful gifts. We can choose to take care of them or not. Sometimes they will be in pain and other times they will feel wonderful. Some of the physical things that we feel are under our control while others are not. Learning to accept our bodies and feelings is no simple task. However it is possible. Tonight, I am going to thank my body for all it has done for me today by sitting, standing, walking, breathing, smiling, dancing, and so much more. As my headache continues, I will drink some tea and lie down to rest. Taking care of myself feels like weakness, but it is a strength. I am honoring one of the best gifts I was given: my body.