I feel so abandoned right now. Despite the numerous people around me and friends who affirm me, my spirit still sinks as if an anchor was dragging downward. The lonely hole inside that has been present since childhood remains despite my attempts to fill it in with others.
One person. Sometimes that is all it can take to make you feel like a wonderful person worthy of life or a stupid toy masquerading as something special.
This video is how I feel sometimes and what I wish that I could to say to people.
Others do not determine how we feel or think. However, every comment and action does affect us in some way. Right now, I am struggling to subdue anger and depression. Only a few people have influenced these difficult emotions. When there are so many friends encouraging and supporting me, the fact that thoughts about the couple who hurt me fills me with annoyance. More than anything, a sense of worthlessness has grown increasingly in the past month.
Some of the pain is my own fault. When you open up your heart to trust others and be honest with them, you might end up bruised. Perhaps my naivety and willingness to think the best of others ended me up in this state of mind.
However, being used or abandoned stings. Sometimes people desert you after you have fulfilled the purpose that they wanted. Perhaps that is not their intention. Maybe they really did want to be friends. As they come to know you better, they realize that you are not what they want. Or maybe they see how you are fine with being pushed around and doing all of the work in the relationship. Whatever their reasoning, it leaves you feeling worthless.
How do you move on after being left like that? What if that happens multiple times? Perhaps closing your heart would cause less pain.
My thoughts try to trick me into responding in unhealthy ways. If I ate less and loss weight, then people would think of me as beautiful and worthy of their time. Shut up more, smile more, buy presents for everyone, dye my hair, use slang – I think of all of the ways that I could change myself to be better.
Taking a few steps back, I can see that hiding my discomfort and pain for fear of hurting others has caused others to trample on me. Being strong and compassionately assertive is a goal for me.
Sometimes people will hurt you and abandon you for no apparent reason. However, that does not dictate your worth. Their actions show more about their personality than yours. Believing that is difficult, nearly impossible right now. Yet, those wise words from others are what I need to cling to in this difficult time. As much as I feel like garbage, others see me as a struggling girl who has some worth. Right now, I need to believe who my true friends believe me to be.