Do you ever have days when your body-image will not stop haunting you? All day you long to look in the mirror but when you do, you cringe in disgust? Everywhere you go, people look slender and beautiful while you feel chunky and gross?
For the past few weeks, this has been how I have felt. My negative body talk screams louder than it has for months as I scurry to class or sit writing papers. Constant comparison to others and endless berating of my appearance take up a great deal of my days.
I do not want to be self-centered or vain. Looks are not everything, I know that. However, being skinny was always more to me than just losing weight. It meant that I could hide in a corner when frightened and wear beautiful clothing to be noticed without shame. I assumed that being slender would give me the ability to take up less room in the world to give space to others and show that I had learned to discipline myself. There are so many beliefs that I attached to the label of skinny.
Recent events and comments have made my battle with anorexia and body-image more difficult. First of all, someone who had shown romantic interest in me but changed his mind bugged me a few times about wearing pants. This type of clothing brings back bad memories and frightens me. According to him, I needed to just get over my fear and find some tight. hot jeans that all girls look good wearing. This comment bothers me still although it was few months ago since he last said it. Romantic feelings are difficult enough for me, and being pursued and suddenly abandoned made the whole situation even more painful. He meant well, but this boy really messed with my mind and even scared me with this comment. Now, I worry about how tight all of my pants are fitting.
Another situation with pants was trying on my costume for the show. The high-top jeans fit snug but not too constrictive. However, the director said that they were really tight although she like them. Now, I am freaking out about that and if I look awful in them. My mind is either playing tricks on me or I am gaining weight. Although my dietitian says my weight is staying steady, all of my clothing feels a bit tighter. This drives me crazy. Yes, I know that I am not overweight again. However, it seems that I am not longer thin. Even my mother did not tell me that I was still skinny when I called to discuses my fears.
Finally, one of my friends commented on how skinny another friend is. Standing right there, I tried not to take it as an insult to me. However the pain of being labeled as the fat, ugly girl again stabbed harshly. Going back to that life terrifies me.
I am trying to stay strong and eat more while battling these thoughts. Sorry that this post sounds so self-centered. Many people say that body-image is the last eating disorder symptom to leave. Hopefully, that will be the case for me and I can escape from these horrific, all-consuming thoughts and fears.