Tonight, I will be taking off to study at Oxford for a month. This fact has not fully sunk in yet. Will I really be living out this dream? What if I fail? How can I manage without my family or caregivers?
Nervousness is mixed with excitement. One moment, I feel like screaming for joy while I want to die the next from absolute terror. What if I get lost? What if I fall in love? What if my GPA drops? What if everyone hates me? What if I find a lifelong friend? Questions keep swirling through my head.
Overall, the experience will probably be filled with wonderful experiences as well as struggles. Nothing is perfect, even this dream I have treasured for years. Studying at Oxford is more than just crossing an item off of my bucket list; this shows how far I have come in recovery over the past few years.
Eating disorder – I am physically strong enough to make this trip. Not only can I eat without my mother, I can now choose to dine with other people. Sure, my fear of food and gaining weight continues, but I no longer rely solely on the unhealthy coping skills of restricting or over-eating.
Anxiety – Boarding a plane, dealing with unfamiliar places, meeting new people – there is much to be anxious about concerning this trip. Yes, part of me is freaking out, but I am fairly calm considering my past. Facing my fears is terrifying and yet wonderful once they are conquered.
Depression – Many of my dreams failed to come about because of the black hole of depression. Now, I am finally finding the strength and hope to start living my life more fully. Dangerous, I know, but so much more rewarding than staying stuck in misery.
Aspergers – Who would have guessed that I would willingly travel? Certainly not my family after all of the vacations I sobbed through due to anxiety and aspergers. Change and being away from home has always been a struggle. Now, I am making the choice to leave (and return) all by myself.
There are many other ways that this trip is challenging, rewarding, helping, and frightening me. I hope to keep blogging each day, even if it is just a picture and a few words. If my posts are shorter or have less depth, please forgive me. I have no idea how much free time I will have to blog. Still, I hope that you continue to follow this next month as I embark on the biggest adventure of my life!