Boarding the Plane Tonight

In front of apple tree

In front of apple tree at my MN school

Tonight, I will be taking off to study at Oxford for a month. This fact has not fully sunk in yet. Will I really be living out this dream? What if I fail? How can I manage without my family or caregivers?

Nervousness is mixed with excitement. One moment, I feel like screaming for joy while I want to die the next from absolute terror. What if I get lost? What if I fall in love? What if my GPA drops? What if everyone hates me? What if I find a lifelong friend? Questions keep swirling through my head.

Overall, the experience will probably be filled with wonderful experiences as well as struggles. Nothing is perfect, even this dream I have treasured for years. Studying at Oxford is more than just crossing an item off of my bucket list; this shows how far I have come in recovery over the past few years.

Eating disorder – I am physically strong enough to make this trip. Not only can I eat without my mother, I can now choose to dine with other people. Sure, my fear of food and gaining weight continues, but I no longer rely solely on the unhealthy coping skills of restricting or over-eating.

Anxiety – Boarding a plane, dealing with unfamiliar places, meeting new people – there is much to be anxious about concerning this trip. Yes, part of me is freaking out, but I am fairly calm considering my past. Facing my fears is terrifying and yet wonderful once they are conquered.

Depression – Many of my dreams failed to come about because of the black hole of depression. Now, I am finally finding the strength and hope to start living my life more fully. Dangerous, I know, but so much more rewarding than staying stuck in misery.

Aspergers – Who would have guessed that I would willingly travel? Certainly not my family after all of the vacations I sobbed through due to anxiety and aspergers. Change and being away from home has always been a struggle. Now, I am making the choice to leave (and return) all by myself.

There are many other ways that this trip is challenging, rewarding, helping, and frightening me. I hope to keep blogging each day, even if it is just a picture and a few words. If my posts are shorter or have less depth, please forgive me. I have no idea how much free time I will have to blog. Still, I hope that you continue to follow this next month as I embark on the biggest adventure of my life!

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18 thoughts on “Boarding the Plane Tonight

  1. 80smetalman says:

    All the best, it will be a fantastic experience.

  2. mewhoami says:

    All of these points you made really show just how far you’ve come. Not only have you overcome your eating disorder for the most part, you have overcome so many other obstacles as well. It truly is inspirational to hear about all of your accomplishments and growth.

  3. OnTheWay... says:

    Connect with Mind Your Head Oxford for a bit of support and people who’ll understand things etc. Reach out, don’t feel the pressure, enjoy it!! x

  4. ashokbhatia says:

    Wish you all the best.

  5. seanmirza says:

    Good luck. I’m sure you will succeed. Your self-awareness and sound judgement are a testament that you will have the “time of your life”.

  6. Amy says:

    Bon voyage, my friend! You’re going to thrive on this trip, and I can’t wait to hear about all your adventures!

  7. I spent four years in Oxford as a student – it is a phenomenal place and I met some of the most open minded and brightest people there. If you need any advice about where to go etc let me know – there is a ‘nightline’ for emotional support for students which was very good (the number is stuck in most college toilets) πŸ™‚

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