Do you ever feel like you are on a roller coaster when it comes to relationships? At one moment, others seem to enjoy your presence, and you begin to trust yourself with others. Perhaps people could genuinely like your company and think you are fun.
Then the world seems to shatter as someone sneers at you, ignores you repeatedly, and grins knowingly at a friend while turning their back to you. Suddenly you think about all of your worst qualities. Of course thinking others could enjoy you was stupid. They would never accept your ungraceful remarks, know-it-all demeanor combined with obvious ignorance, and disgusting looks. If you were in their shoes, you would hate yourself as well.
That is what I have been struggling with today. At Oxford, there are numerous of amazing people. The other students (mostly from the USA too) are incredible for the most part. They are all so smart, charming, quick to adapt, and inspiring. Meanwhile I am…well, me.
Someone who I thought might help me to make a connection here and provide some security has really abandoned me. I do not know if I did something wrong, but every time that I am around, they refuse to talk. This is my fault because I was not kind enough in the beginning. However, part of me still feels hurt. Why do I need to care so much what everyone thinks of me? How could I have been stupid enough not to form a stronger relationship with this person? They are not cruel but frightened me a bit with their sarcasm (which I cannot read) and negativity.
The worst moment came right before my second seminar today. A classmate brought up my favorite show. When I read a book or watch a movie, the characters quickly draw me in and become relatable. Thus, when others slam these people, I become very upset. That is not perhaps the right response, but it is how I react.
Anyway, the other students began making fun of the good characters and saying how annoying sweetness was. No one is perfect, but when other complain about goodness, it irritates me. Finally I could no longer listen to them rant about the show and other things in such a negative and unkind way.
“I think that it is great to look at things and critique them,” I stated loudly. Everyone turned for a moment. “But I also try to look for the good and beauty in everything around me instead of just the negative.”
For a moment, the students just looked anywhere except for me. Then all of them began talking about other things hurriedly at the same time. Although part of me felt relieved, I mostly felt guilty. Later, I tried apologizing to one of the girls.
However the whole experience and the struggle to fit in still is like a oozing sore that I cannot find ointment for or a way to cover. I just wish that I could be a likable, neuro-typical person sometimes.