Everybody Hates Me, Everybody Loves Me…

Today I walked to and from the place we are staying by myself either very early in the morning or later in the evening. Both times I was alright but anxious and did not feel quite safe all alone. However I was too scared to talk to anyone.

Today I walked to and from the place we are staying by myself either very early in the morning or later in the evening. Both times I was alright but anxious and did not feel quite safe all alone. However I was too scared to talk to anyone.

Do you ever feel like you are on a roller coaster when it comes to relationships? At one moment, others seem to enjoy your presence, and you begin to trust yourself with others. Perhaps people could genuinely like your company and think you are fun.

Then the world seems to shatter as someone sneers at you, ignores you repeatedly, and grins knowingly at a friend while turning their back to you. Suddenly you think about all of your worst qualities. Of course thinking others could enjoy you was stupid. They would never accept your ungraceful remarks, know-it-all demeanor combined with obvious ignorance, and disgusting looks. If you were in their shoes, you would hate yourself as well.

That is what I have been struggling with today. At Oxford, there are numerous of amazing people. The other students (mostly from the USA too) are incredible for the most part. They are all so smart, charming, quick to adapt, and inspiring. Meanwhile I am…well, me.

Someone who I thought might help me to make a connection here and provide some security has really abandoned me. I do not know if I did something wrong, but every time that I am around, they refuse to talk. This is my fault because I was not kind enough in the beginning. However, part of me still feels hurt. Why do I need to care so much what everyone thinks of me? How could I have been stupid enough not to form a stronger relationship with this person? They are not cruel but frightened me a bit with their sarcasm (which I cannot read) and negativity.

I went to the Museum of Natural History alone yesterday.

I went to the Museum of Natural History alone yesterday.

The worst moment came right before my second seminar today. A classmate brought up my favorite show. When I read a book or watch a movie, the characters quickly draw me in and become relatable. Thus, when others slam these people, I become very upset. That is not perhaps the right response, but it is how I react.

Anyway, the other students began making fun of the good characters and saying how annoying sweetness was. No one is perfect, but when other complain about goodness, it irritates me. Finally I could no longer listen to them rant about the show and other things in such a negative and unkind way.

“I think that it is great to look at things and critique them,” I stated loudly. Everyone turned for a moment. “But I also try to look for the good and beauty in everything around me instead of just the negative.”

For a moment, the students just looked anywhere except for me. Then all of them began talking about other things hurriedly at the same time. Although part of me felt relieved, I mostly felt guilty. Later, I tried apologizing to one of the girls.

However the whole experience and the struggle to fit in still is like a oozing sore that I cannot find ointment for or a way to cover. I just wish that I could be a likable, neuro-typical person sometimes.


16 thoughts on “Everybody Hates Me, Everybody Loves Me…

  1. Anonymous says:

    Anna Rose, you don’t need to apologize for your thoughts & feelings – EVER. You have a right to your opinions & feelings. I am sorry people are treating you this way. You know what? Its not about you. Its about them. What a person says or does reflects or says more about them as a person then you. They may be insecure & trying to fit in. And acting this way is not kind but it shows where they are at. Just be you. Wonderful Amazing Anna Rose. Unapologetically you. Someone wonderful will come along you will feel safe with & not judged. I am so proud of you.

  2. seanmirza says:

    I second anonymous aka Carolyn’s comments. Unkind people only project their own persona upon others. However, sometimes people react negative because that’s there modus operandi as our cultural has become more cynical. Give people a chance,stay nice and the right people will find you.

    “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” – Dr. Seuss

    Be yourself and stay strong.

  3. Ruth says:

    “I’d rather learn from one bird how to sing
    than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance”
    e. e. cummings

    You just stood up to the ‘not dancing’ crowd. Good for you!

  4. ladygracet says:

    An other persons reaction to you often says more about them, then about you. It is your reaction to them that is more telling about you. Also be careful about reading people. People make mistakes or they is something else wrong in their life outside of you. Gaging your self worth on the emotions of other people is hard to resist, but in the end run other peoples opinions do not mean as much as we think it does. I doubt anyone will get to heaven and be asked how many Facebook friends they have.
    P.S. By the way what is your favorite show?

  5. Cheryl-Lynn says:

    You certainly have a right to your opinion and need not justify it either or apologize for it. They were publicly talking about a show you happen to enjoy…you said you liked it and why…done, end of story. It is hard trying to fit in and believe it or not even those who appear cool and confident are fragile too. Not everyone is as open nor easy to read. When you feel uncomfortable and think someone is looking or talking about you (they may not be) ask yourself how you are feeling? Try to think of something “feel good” and not guess what people are thinking. We can misjudge too often and project our insecurities…you are just fine and keep telling yourself that. I work late evenings but have caught that show “Once Upon a Time” several times and it is a nice show. 😀

  6. As you get older, you will find your tribe.
    Make sure you keep on getting to know yourself. You will then be able to bring yourself solace too. You can then be your own best friend most of the time, and be pleasantly surprised when someone else does that job for you the rest of the time.

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