Do you ever have thoughts that just seem to jump inside your head? One minute, you are fine, and the next you are contemplating killing yourself? Even worse, you might sometimes imagine hurting someone else as well.
Despite a significant decrease, these thoughts still haunt me. My care team labels them “intrusive thoughts.” I hate them so much. The strong urge to inflict harm on myself and others increases my anxiety and depression. When those rise, the longing to be dead only increases.
Where do these thoughts come from? Sometimes they are triggered by an event or situation. For example, escalators are difficult for me as are great heights. Call me overly sensitive but these places are very difficult for me.
Then, comments can trigger my thoughts. Perhaps someone is upset or cranky. Even if they do not snap at me, I might begin to get flustered and long for a quick way out of the situation. Sometimes death seems like the best answer. I know deep down that it isn’t, but that does not stop my emotions for longing for it.
However, these thoughts can pop up whenever with no apparent reason. Perhaps I am stressed, hungry, or tired. A smile might still be plastered on my face as I wander down a sidewalk. Then the urge to hurt myself might strike. These sudden attacks are frightening. All of the control over my emotions and body disappears. Do I want to listen to this voice in my head or not? Is this my brain or something else? Many questions arise as my fear grows.
Only with help from others or a large amount of coaching can I begin to come back to the present moment and stop panicking. Sounds silly, but the experiencing is so scary.
In England, this has only happened a few times. Yet it continues to frustrate and frighten me. Have any of you experienced something similar? If so, how do you manage it? I would love to learn from you.