They Just Pop Into My Head

Me and flowers at Burford

I smelled some flowers at the church in Burford.

Do you ever have thoughts that just seem to jump inside your head? One minute, you are fine, and the next you are contemplating killing yourself? Even worse, you might sometimes imagine hurting someone else as well.

Despite a significant decrease, these thoughts still haunt me. My care team labels them “intrusive thoughts.” I hate them so much. The strong urge to inflict harm on myself and others increases my anxiety and depression. When those rise, the longing to be dead only increases.

Where do these thoughts come from? Sometimes they are triggered by an event or situation. For example, escalators are difficult for me as are great heights. Call me overly sensitive but these places are very difficult for me.

A passage in Burford

A passage in Burford

Then, comments can trigger my thoughts. Perhaps someone is upset or cranky. Even if they do not snap at me, I might begin to get flustered and long for a quick way out of the situation. Sometimes death seems like the best answer. I know deep down that it isn’t, but that does not stop my emotions for longing for it.

However, these thoughts can pop up whenever with no apparent reason. Perhaps I am stressed, hungry, or tired. A smile might still be plastered on my face as I wander down a sidewalk. Then the urge to hurt myself might strike. These sudden attacks are frightening. All of the control over my emotions and body disappears.  Do I want to listen to this voice in my head or not? Is this my brain or something else? Many questions arise as my fear grows.

Only with help from others or a large amount of coaching can I begin to come back to the present moment and stop panicking. Sounds silly, but the experiencing is so scary.

In England, this has only happened a few times. Yet it continues to frustrate and frighten me. Have any of you experienced something similar? If so, how do you manage it? I would love to learn from you.

 

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22 thoughts on “They Just Pop Into My Head

  1. Austin says:

    I’ve experience similar thought’s. I don’t have the desire to hurt myself, only death. This happens to me when I get really depressed or something bad has happened. The only way I get over it is to think of the people that love me. It’s not many, but those few people would be very upset if I took my life. I think of their life without me and it takes off the edge. Sometimes it frustrates me though; I think “If only my parents were dead then I could finally kill myself”. But the fact is, thinking of them prevents me from actually doing it.

  2. I’m glad you have such a great team of people who care about you. Hang in there girlie!
    Diana xo

  3. 80smetalman says:

    My thoughts aren’t telling me to harm anyone but are more things from my long distant past that I didn’t handle very well at the time. It’s hard to prevent these thoughts from happening but I keep telling myself to make sure that a particular situation doesn’t happen again.

  4. OnTheWay... says:

    I often experience those intrusive thoughts that feel so dangerous and terrifying. The wanting to die but also knowing that really somewhere I do still want to live. It’s horrible to be hit, often by surprise, with those thoughts like ‘this would do the job’ or ‘no one would see me here’… the take my breath away by their forcefulness sometimes…
    I manage them badly most of the time but occasionally using the elastic bands I keep on my wrist can be enough to bring me back to the here and now… not very helpful, I’m sorry!
    You are brave and strong, don’t ever forget that! xx

  5. ladygracet says:

    Keeping busy and not brooding over lapses might help. I however have a lack of applicable experiences.

  6. words4jp says:

    I understand these feelings. They happen to me quite a bit. When they do, I withdrawal and in many instances, resort to hurting myself in some way. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. I know it is not right, I should change it, but then I get the feeling of what is the point. No one truly cares anyway.

  7. drew delaney says:

    Not feeling cared about is a terrible thing. It has taken me years and a broken marriage to get well. I am improving daily. Each struggle I go through helps get stronger for the next one. Take courage my friend. You will grow in strength.

  8. It’s great that you shared this because I am sure a lot of people struggle with these thoughts as well. I personally struggle with thoughts like that when I become very upset. I almost feel like the mood is a roller coaster and no one (not never strong medicine) can’t get the roller coaster to stop.
    Thank you so much for being so brave and honest about your struggles. 🙂

  9. jefairgrieve says:

    Thank you for writing about this, Anna Rose. I’ve learned, thanks to the work I have done with my ego states, to gather the parts of my personality involved in feeling the hurt resulting from an incident and allow them to talk to one another. If there has been no specific incident that has brought the intrusive thoughts, then I have to spend time analyzing the context and trying to understand what the thoughts were attached to or where they came from. Since it’s usually my little girl part who has been hurt the most and who is in pain and who feels like hurting herself or dying, the parts she feels closest to will dialogue with her and help her to understand the roots of her feelings. Then they reassure her of her safety in the present and give her the love and support that she needs. When I do this, I heal–a little bit at a time. This may not work for everyone, but it works for me now! I’ve gotten better at this as I’ve gone through therapy in the last four years, and learning this skill has been one of the real benefits of my therapy.

  10. Ruth says:

    Why would you choose to obey the voices? This isn’t a rhetorical question. I’m genuinely interested.

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