Today was just a hard day. I am still feeling disgusting, depressed, and disheartened. My tutorial yesterday left me feeling confident and excited about life. Discussing guardian figures in Jane Austen’s novels as well as Frances Burney’s Evelina with my tutor was a great educational experience. This left me longing to return here and actually feeling smart.
But now I am drained. The C.S. Lewis tutorial confused me, and I fear that the tutor hated my work. Body image discomfort increased as well as suicidal thoughts and overall misery. Moping seems ridiculous when I am in my favorite place ever, but nothing seemed to lighten my spirits.
So I am going to let myself be sad for today without indulging in self-pity. After all, I am stressed about school, my future plans, leaving Oxford, money, my weight, friendships, lack of sleep, and much more. Telling myself to just get over it would only make matters worse. Instead, I going practice self-compassion. However overwhelming they are right now, these emotions will pass.
Here are some truths that I need to cling to right now to be both positive and gentle on myself:
- My school work does not determine my worth.
- Although not perfect, my paper had a lot of work and thought that I put into it.
- I still have over a week in Oxford.
- If it is meant to be and I try hard, I will return in the future.
- I am alive, breathing, and safe.
Focusing on these facts is difficult but very important. I will be alright no matter what. This too shall pass.