A Butterfly with the Wings Pulled Off


A rose in C.S. Lewis’ garden

Right now, I feel like a butterfly with the wings pulled off. Although I love my family and Minnesota, all of me long to be back in Oxford. Or at least somewhere where I am free to soar, grow, and learn. Everything here is stagnant, including myself.

Each day, my spirit seems to sink a little lower. I am trying to stay positive, but my energy is draining fast. Why is it that when we have little to do, we feel the most tired? Depression is a strange and crippling thing.

So, I am going to make a list of things to do this week that will help me to feel more independent. Perhaps my wings are only damp, not torn. Some of the items on this list are already set up on someone else’s schedule, which is very helpful. Others I will need to be accountable for by myself.

  1. Meet with a potential client about freelancing work.
  2. Visit with at least one (if not two) friends.
  3. Start up a travel blog.
  4. Take my little brother to the library and/or a movie.
  5. Find a new dietitian with my care coordinator.
  6. Call my old therapist to see if I can mend that relationship.
  7. Edit at least one of my mystery parties so I can get it ready to sell.
  8. Go to confession.
  9. Look into another job I might be able to do this summer.
  10. Do some type of art.

That is a pretty extensive list, but I think that it is all doable. If not, I will practice self-compassion and not being perfectionistic. This is meant to be a helpful tool not a binding burden.


12 thoughts on “A Butterfly with the Wings Pulled Off

  1. MEM says:

    Good ideas. You are wise to seek self-expression through art and to seek comfort in your loneliness by turning to others.

  2. jefairgrieve says:

    Nothing brings me out of myself more quickly than somebody who truly needs my help. Volunteering at the local food bank has helped me a lot when depression has threatened to incapacitate me. Recently I’ve added working on/painting Byzantine icons as a means of recapturing my perspective on life. Blessings, Anna Rose . . .

    • That is a wonderful idea to volunteer! Thanks. The icon you are painting sounds amazing. What is the image?

    • jefairgrieve says:

      Hi, Anna Rose–
      I’m going through the somewhat tedious job of gessoing my board now, so no painting yet. However, I plan to write another Virgin of Vladimir icon. The process is amazingly calming, and as I study Mary’s face and see the sadness in her eyes at the fate she knows is in store for her infant, I know that the burdens in my own life are bearable. If you study Mary’s face in the Virgin of Vladimir, you will see what I mean. And Baby Jesus is so happy to be close to his Mother. He appears oblivious to his fate–just as all innocent babies do. I am not a practicing Catholic, but I believe that everyone, Catholic or not, can learn from Mary.

  3. Ruth says:

    I’m ashamed to say that I’ve never heard of a mystery party. Is there a website that explains it?

  4. celinemurray says:

    Way to stay positive Anna Rose. You’re doing great. 🙂

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