Please Don’t Come Near Me

It's Not You, It's My PTSD

Memories haunt, words remind, fears remain, but I will survive.

The phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” has been haunting me the past few days. However, two words are changed in it that makes all the difference: “It’s not you, it’s my PTSD.” In fact, I wanted to name this post that, but it appears that I already had that idea.

Lately, I have been more jumpy than usual. A man who looks homeless walking down the street sends shivers up my spine. The words “kiss” and “smile” cause flashbacks with both images and physical sensations. Even sweet remarks about how I look can make me cringe.

Worst of all, my fear around men has intensified. Certain people remain safe, thankfully, such as my little brother and father. However, I have a strong desire to keep all guys (especially new ones) far away from me. What if they touch me? My thoughts often race into terrifying directions in a manner of a few seconds.

This all sounds silly, I know. However, dealing with it is not only draining but also discouraging. Why should I judge men that I do not even know? They do not deserve my rejection. After all, most people that I associate with kind-hearted and well-meaning. Still the fear that they have ill intent haunts me.

Thus, guilt usually accompanies my anxiety. I want to love everyone and be kind to them. Yet some men scare me for no logical reason. Other guys to not bring out that terror in me. What is the difference? Sometimes the distinction makes a bit of sense. A person who is loud and crude will obviously frighten me more than a quiet, gentle man. But other times, the PTSD triggers leave me confused and ashamed.

I am trying to practice self-compassion, but it is difficult. Sobbing because someone is outside my house, harboring fear for years after someone accidentally touched my stomach, not being able to think when someone stand too close – all of these reactions are overly dramatic for a normal person. Realizing that they are part of PTSD is hard not only on me but also my family and friends. My siblings still do not understand how terrifying certain people, situations, and words are. Their bewilderment and my parents’ exasperation only add to my self-degradation.

With PTSD, knowing when you are truly in danger is a daily struggle. Tonight, some men will be over for supper. That is already hard on my eating disorder. The fact that they might trigger PTSD and haunting memories leaves me all the more nervous. Yet I know that I am safe right now. My parents will sit by my side. I can always return to my room. Nothing bad will happen. I will be okay.

Sometimes, reminding myself that I am safe in this moment is all I can do.

 

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Please Don’t Come Near Me

  1. mihrank says:

    very beautiful, with valuable meaning and precious!

  2. madilcarr says:

    I feel ya. I still deal with that paranoia and anxiety very often. As hard as it is, the best way to fight it is to expose yourself to new (safe and healthy) people. Exposure therapy… it’s tough, but effective. But at the same time, don’t ignore your instincts. If something feels unsafe, make sure to take precautions. Use your experience to help you make healthy choices. You can do this. Love and hope to you. ❤

  3. Anonymous says:

    I so much get this! I have PTSD from multiple incidents & one includes a man. I am the same way. You are NOT alone. This post is NOT silly. I am the same way around boys & men. I love you so much Anna Rose! – Carolyn from EP

  4. Dilip says:

    Sending you my sincere good wishes to get well soon.
    Kind regards.

  5. Ayla_xo says:

    I definitely understand what you are going through. I literally cannot tolerate physical intimacy with anyone let alone the idea of a guy being near me. I feel bad sometimes because even my best friends seem like a threat. It sucks, but its not your fault.

  6. 80smetalman says:

    I don’t like men touching me either and I’m one of them. It’s not because I’m homophobic but some issues from my past so I can sympathise with what you’re going through too.

    • That struggle must be hard. It is so important to remember that men can be hurt and suffer from PTSD because society seems to ignore that. Thanks for your comment!

  7. ladygracet says:

    I believe patience with oneself is harder to cultivate then patience with other people.

Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s