When I begin to panic, nothing seems to control me or make sense. I begin to hyperventilate as my brain spins and tears run down my cheeks. My heart races and stomach churns. All that I want to do is curl up in a ball, sob, and be safe.
Safety – that is all I want sometimes. Silly, you might think, for a girl who restricts food until she is deathly ill or hurts herself to deal with pain. One might argue that my personal safety is the last thing that I consider.
Admittedly physical pain does not frighten me much. However, that is not what I wake up in sweat dreading. Being abandoned, hated, molested, the cause of other’s misery – all of these haunt me. I try so hard to be good and keep these fears from happening. Yet no one is perfect, and trying to be so can end up in disaster. I have found that out the hard way with my eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and other mental illness.
The littlest things can trigger my anxieties. Just in the past week, I have ended up a hyperventilating mess over stupid, everyday situations. For example, some of the triggers include these seemingly harmless things:
- A man that I kind of know but not well being over – This almost always causes me to spiral downward into uncontrollable anxiety.
- Being unsure if I am working or not – This uncertainty leads me to feel out of control in my whole life.
- Someone eating the rest of my favorite ice cream – This makes me feel like I should not eat, and others want me to starve.
- Comments about my smile – This reminds me of the homeless man in Oxford.
- Criticism of anything – Sounds silly but I feel like they are criticizing me too.
These are just a few things that have happened in the past week. I am still trying to work through them. Thankfully, my mother is a saint who helps me calmly (usually) get through these moments of panic. Sometimes, however, it is too much for even her to handle.
That is why I need to find my inner strength to pull myself out of these panics. As I learn coping skills, I can begin to implement them. This will take time, but it is possible. Maybe one day, I can live without these uncontrollable moments. Only then they will be controllable with some patience and strength.