Have People Abandoned Me All My Life?

Callie and me

Standing with Callie in Oxford

The first day of school turned out to be much better than yesterday. One of the best parts was running into so many people who I dearly love. To my great joy, they seemed as excited to see me as I was to see them. Days like this remind me why I wanted to move onto campus and be part of this community.

Seeing my friends and having them react so positively made me ponder why we tend to assume people think the worst about us. For me, it seems to be a coping mechanism. If I think others hate me or are at least annoyed by my presence, then it hurts less when they abandon me.

But do people usually desert me? When I look at the past, that is how I feel. Aspergers and the way my brain works has made social interactions difficult. Many friends left my life as did others that I cared for mightily.

There could be alternative explanations though. Living at a retreat center meant that I continuously saw people come and go. Not until a few weeks ago did I realize how much this hurt me. Watching employees leave after growing attached to them and being wounded by unhealthy retreatants scarred my heart a bit.

Then there is the fact that I was homeschooled and lived in the country. I simply did not see other people that often. Add to that the fact that I was depressed and isolated myself as much as possible. Sleeping or reading in a bundle of blankets hidden away in my room was easier than facing the world.

Another important element to consider is that people come and go from every life. That is hard but true. I have never accepted that. Every crush, every friend, every person who wounded me left an imprint on my heart. I remember so many people who can probably not recall my name. Just thinking of them is making me cry right now. Ugh, the pain does not leave, no matter how long ago we last encountered.

Strangely enough, now it is I who struggle to remember acquaintances. Perhaps something in me has shut down to protect my fragile, impressionable heart. How do I live with all of these feelings?

So, perhaps I have not been abandoned as many times as I previously thought. I am not sure if that is an encouraging thought or not. It probably is because it gives me more hope for the future.

Perhaps one day, I can stop assuming people hate me and just open up my heart to enjoy their presence in my life for the time being.

 

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Have People Abandoned Me All My Life?

  1. Amy says:

    I know how you feel, I’ve been having similar concerns about people leaving my life recently and why it feels like they’re abandoning me. It is hard to remember that it’s often nothing to do with you and more to do with life’s circumstances. Just try and keep reminding yourself of that though x

  2. Happy to hear your day was better! Unfortunately the coming and going is a normal part of life. I had a similar problem as my family moved a lot and I lived in approx. 13 – 15 houses in 4 different US states by the time I was 16. This meant a lot of introductions and goodbyes. They’re still not easy for me, but luckily with the internet, I can stay in touch with the people I met in Oregon, Arizona, California, Wisconsin, and the new people I meet here in Chile. I’m a long way from home, but I think I’m able to enjoy it because I went through the difficulty of saying goodbye at a young age. So look at it as an advantage for future you 🙂

    I don’t know you, but I would be will be willing to really bet that this is true: “So, perhaps I have not been abandoned as many times as I previously thought.” 100%. From your words it seems to me that this is a classic case of over-analyzing everything. And yes it’s encouraging. Now there really may be some people that have left (abandoned is too strong a word for a friend/acquaintance)… but guess what, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that if somebody doesn’t want to be part of my life, that’s perfectly fine, and I’d rather not waste my time / energy / love on them. As time goes by you will naturally lose the non-important people and retain the important ones. So if they want to go now, or in 2 years, it’s all about the same. Focus your energy and good qualities on those that want to be a part of your team! 🙂
    – Zac

Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s