The first day of school turned out to be much better than yesterday. One of the best parts was running into so many people who I dearly love. To my great joy, they seemed as excited to see me as I was to see them. Days like this remind me why I wanted to move onto campus and be part of this community.
Seeing my friends and having them react so positively made me ponder why we tend to assume people think the worst about us. For me, it seems to be a coping mechanism. If I think others hate me or are at least annoyed by my presence, then it hurts less when they abandon me.
But do people usually desert me? When I look at the past, that is how I feel. Aspergers and the way my brain works has made social interactions difficult. Many friends left my life as did others that I cared for mightily.
There could be alternative explanations though. Living at a retreat center meant that I continuously saw people come and go. Not until a few weeks ago did I realize how much this hurt me. Watching employees leave after growing attached to them and being wounded by unhealthy retreatants scarred my heart a bit.
Then there is the fact that I was homeschooled and lived in the country. I simply did not see other people that often. Add to that the fact that I was depressed and isolated myself as much as possible. Sleeping or reading in a bundle of blankets hidden away in my room was easier than facing the world.
Another important element to consider is that people come and go from every life. That is hard but true. I have never accepted that. Every crush, every friend, every person who wounded me left an imprint on my heart. I remember so many people who can probably not recall my name. Just thinking of them is making me cry right now. Ugh, the pain does not leave, no matter how long ago we last encountered.
Strangely enough, now it is I who struggle to remember acquaintances. Perhaps something in me has shut down to protect my fragile, impressionable heart. How do I live with all of these feelings?
So, perhaps I have not been abandoned as many times as I previously thought. I am not sure if that is an encouraging thought or not. It probably is because it gives me more hope for the future.
Perhaps one day, I can stop assuming people hate me and just open up my heart to enjoy their presence in my life for the time being.