The Merry-Go-Round in My Head Begins Again

British driving sign that say "Kill your speed"

This British driving sign states what I want to do right now.

Three Fridays ago, my brain whirled with pain as it spun in a mad circle while knives jabbed into it. For several days, I have felt much better if still a bit woozy and weak. Today, however, the agony returned.

Wednesday, just make it until Wednesday. That continues to replay in my mind. Then, I will be at the doctor again to have my labs drawn. Hopefully the results will be better, but I doubt that highly. Flashbacks to my freshmen year of college streak through my head. My eating disorder’s siren voices lures me into the ocean where I am sure to sink and drown if I continue to follow.

Losing my freshmen year stunk, but losing my senior year would be a thousand times worse. My life is finally beginning to make sense. Theater, music, art, travel, friends, school, writing, helping others – so many blessings have entered my life. Why would I give them up for this stupid disease that is killing me?

Recovery is a bumpy process. One day might be fabulous while the next is agonizing. Each step of the journey brings new challenges but also beautiful moments. That is what I am in the middle of right now: wonderful opportunities and struggles to care for myself while handling stress.

Right now, I need to listen to others. My health is the most important thing. Working myself in the manner that I have been doing has been detracting from my well-being. I am still unsure of how to handle that, but something needs to change.

After all, this merry-go-round is beginning to make me nauseous. Living while treating my body with such disregard is not true life but mere survival.

 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “The Merry-Go-Round in My Head Begins Again

  1. Recovery IS a bumpy process. I hope you stay well, and if there is something that threatens to draw you over the edge, I hope there will always be something else that you can hang on to. Stay strong. You’re not alone.

  2. MEM says:

    What a poignant portrayal of your struggle to live. Keep fighting the battle. There are thousands of people and angels cheering you on.

Please share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s