“Eat more often.” “Don’t have anything with sugar.” “Put on some makeup.” “Stop caring about what you look like.”
Sometimes, the voices of everyone and everything around me are so overwhelming. Listening to them all and obeying them becomes a constant chore. Like a puppet, I move my arms and walk through life attached to the strings of others. If only the scissors that I tried to use to free myself were healthier coping mechanisms.
Today, my dietitian began to talk to me about eating more regularly. I wanted to scream. How much can she expect me to do? I am already having more food than seems normal. Spacing out when I first eat and next have food is sometimes the only way that I can manage to proceed through the day. That way, my body feels like I am restricting despite the food that I do eat in the morning and later.
Now, I know this is not healthy exactly. However, it gives me a sense of control. This is just a little way of being my own person.
However, even my thought that this makes me independent is warped. After all, my eating disorder is the one that decrees this long period of restriction. It is only because my wants align with its that I feel more free. Plus, the pressure also comes from society and the approval of fasting that I see in others.
All of these controlling forces batter into me each day. We all have them. Sometimes they just seem to be more powerful than those that other people have in their heads.
Magazines in stores scream at me one thing while my mother begs another. My dietitian urges what is totally against how I see others living. Friends fear my obsessions as dangerous and tell me to stop them. Other friends encourage me to trust myself.
All of these voices make life hard to discern and live. Sometimes, I just want to do my own thing even if that is eating in an unhealthy way.
The eating disorder grins maliciously as it realizes that I still trust its voice and find comfort in its bony, iron arms that slowly form a prison cell.