Without even looking down, I tugged. The denim refused to budge. Surprised, I turned my attention to the jeans from my sister. As much as I hate pants, these ones were acceptable to wear on the odd day when I felt so inclined.
The jeans, on the other hand, did not feel so inclined to me. After another tug, I realized that there was no way the buttons could close over my hips. The jeans that had fit the last time I tugged them on now were too small.
I hate recovery. That was my first thought. Hate it so much. Almost as much as I hate myself.
Self-hatred is powerful. It eats away at your confidence, courage, and inspiration. Soon, you are left only seeing the negative elements of yourself. Even the beautiful parts are marred by the darkened way that you view the world. This hate can trickle out and destroy your perception of other people and things. Otherwise, the monster might continue growing in you and come out in self-harm, eating disorders, anxiety, or suicide.
One element of self-hatred is self-doubt. You are unable to believe in your ability to change or do something. “I am too weak. I would only fail. It isn’t worth the risk.” Thoughts like this entangle you in a spider’s web that you believe to be safer than fighting for freedom.
Self-disgust also is a part of self-hatred. You can grow to hate the very body you are in or the mind that you have. Thinking about your thighs or seeing yourself in the mirror makes you shudder with horror. When a unique thought or idea springs into your mind, you shove it off a cliff in your brain. That is gross, absurd, stupid, and worthless! Who would ever care about – much less love – something like that? If you hate it so much, who would ever see it as anything but disgusting?
Finding one’s way out of self-hatred is no simple task. I am still struggling to figure out how to change my way of viewing myself and the world around me. However, there has to be hope for healing. Living inside of someone that I hate is not life; it is torture.