Trying Not to Mirror My Freshmen Year

Girl looking up confusedAs pain shot up my legs and my head spun like a merry-go-round, I felt eerily invincible today. Even scarier, my feelings were akin to those at the end of my first year of college. After so much hard work at recovering, I am slipping backward into the pit of restriction.

Eating disorder recovery is one of the hardest processes I have ever endured. Many times, I long to flop down on the ground and die. After a long and painful year, I finally broke inside and could not keep trying to move forward to a healthier place. Giving up by restricting and fantasizing about self-harm seems simpler.

However, even at this low point, I do not want to let these last five weeks mirror my Freshmen year. So many things in my life are different from then. Sure, I still feel ugly, unloved, untalented, and friendless. But there are arguments to be made against those beliefs. Since Freshmen year, guys have told me that I am beautiful, family have stood by my side through at my worst points, directors cast me in several shows, and even tonight friends supported me in buying a salad and actually eating it. Those are all beautiful blessings that I would not have foreseen as a Freshman. I studied at Oxford, was accepted into Disney, traveled to London, was paid to write for a website, applied and was hired at a job…So many steps forward have been made.

So, how can I remember those instead of stopping food intake, hurting myself, or contemplating suicide? There are a few steps that I need to take.

  • Be honest about how I am doing. Hiding this will only make me feel more alone and motivated to continue.
  • Ask for help. I cannot do this by myself with no support.
  • See my family more often. Right now, they are the people who can ground me and speak truth into my life.
  • Find friends who can help to keep me accountable and show that they care about me being alive. It feels like no one cares if I live or die. I need to see that this is not true.
  • Not listen to people offering weight-loss advice. This is just hurting me even more.
  • See a therapist more often. She just suggested that I see her less because I will be leaving soon. That is the last thing that I need right now.

Those are just some first steps. However, they seem pretty feasible although not easy. I refuse to let this semester end without my graduation. My mother warned me that I will not graduate at the rate that I am going. Part of me know that this is true. Something must change.


2 thoughts on “Trying Not to Mirror My Freshmen Year

  1. April says:

    Thank you for sharing what makes you vulnerable, I know how difficult it is to share those thoughts. Keep focusing on the successes you have pointed out, YOU did those! What did you learn from all your successes? You are a strong, beautiful woman–don’t let your inner thoughts tell you any different.

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