Filled with Emptiness

Girl sadly thinking "what now"

Now what?

Do you ever feel overwhelmingly full of nothing? The emptiness inside threatens to burst out of your skin and squeeze the life out of you just as it is doing silently inside. It balloons out of your mind and into your heart, lungs, toes, arms, every inch of you.

This emptiness makes breathing feel like you are trying to swallow concrete and walking as difficult as raising a marble pillar from the ground with each step. I want to sleep all day with utter emptiness in my smile, intellect, and movements. However, night brings terrors of that same lonely gap inside of myself.

How do you fill that emptiness? With food? I have been there before, and the result made me miserable. The urge to eat in order to fill the hole inside still pervades my thoughts. Only restriction seems to keep it away or at least a bit farther from me.

Others fill that nothingness with alcohol, other people, self-harm, extreme sports, being cruel to others, fashion…the list goes on and on. Almost anything can become our drug, our medicine that we hope will alleviate our pain.

Maybe everyone has this hole inside of themselves. That is why addictions and unhealthy obsessions are so prevalent. However, some people certainly struggle with this emptiness more than others. Depressed people know this misery probably more than most and must find a way to live with it. Escaping from its clutches is nearly impossible.

Still, hope remains. Writing this is like releasing a single water drop onto a desert; not much change can be seen from the sustenance, but the barren land that once blossomed with flowers and trees is a bit healthier. Continually letting even a splash of water on the desert each day will bring about a beautiful change in the end. That is why we continue fighting for recovery, even in the hardest moments.


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