Everywhere you turn, someone seems to be talking about weight. My head hurts just trying to block it out. Worries about this subject already plague me plenty. Hearing about it from coworkers, the media, strangers, and companies just about pushes me over the edge.
However, I try to remind myself that not eating and losing weight would mean losing a lot more: my job, my health, my friends. Restricting is not a healthy or wise choice to make.
Still, there are many moments when losing weight seems to be worth relapsing. I want to stay strong. Yet, all of what being thin means to me is hard to argue against especially when others affirm it.
You never start off wanting to deciding to relapse or have an eating disorder. It is simply eating a bit less or trying to lose a few pounds. That spirals out of control until you are suddenly in over your head, afraid of every calorie and ounce.
That is a miserable place to be in, and I do not want to go back. However, sometimes my own frets about weight seem just as miserable. Being vain is not my goal; eating disorders are not vanity complexes. Taking up too much room, being unlovable, never being thought of as pretty or likable, having no friends or control over food – those are some of the many reasons that losing weight still appeals to me.
Staying strong is so hard. But I need to remember that the worst day in recovery is better than the best day in a relapse.