When I look at myself in the mirror or think of my weight, I believe I am a huge person. The awkward, lonely overweight girl that I used to be still is my self-view. Thus, trying to look nice, being complimented, and looking at myself are all very stressful experiences.
However, I lost a great deal of weight with my eating disorder five years ago. Despite that fact, the same scared feeling and desperate desire to lose weight is inside of me. It haunts me all of the time, making it hard to eat, get dressed, take a bath, etc.
Sure, recovery has made eating and life easier. That does not remove the terrible body image and self-hate. Slowly, as I become healthier, my view of self has become more accurate. Yet, I know that this might be a struggle I have for the rest of my life.
We can often feel trapped by who we used to be, how we used to look. Trying to break free from that is very hard, especially when it relates to mental illness. Hope for full recovery should not be pushed aside, but it is hard to remember that every day. It takes continuous reminders to not fall into anorexia again or deeper self-hate.