How can someone feel so sad but elated at the same time? Depression makes no sense.
Today was wonderful. I walked on pillow-like sand, laughed with new friends from Japan, swam like a dolphin in the ocean, ran across the beach for the first time, and then relaxed shopping a bit.
Yet, the same heavy darkness still haunts me. I know deep down that I would still rather give up on life in general. No, I will not do anything. However, the feeling of hopelessness remains.
Perhaps it is the fact that my weight has gone up, ballooned in my opinion. Maybe lack of sleep is hard. Or perhaps wanting to spend money (and spending too much) but lacking funds is haunting me.
Whatever the case, depression stinks. I just want to be happy, really truly happy. However, that is not my life.
My life is full of bittersweet tears, ones full of joy and pain mingled together. My life is feeling too deeply and caring too much while others just pass by without noticing. My life is a beautiful mess.
My life is not depressed but has depression in it. That is part of who I am. And that hurts but also brings some strange form of hope.