Over the years, so much anger has built up inside of me. There are groups of people, individuals, places, and things that fill me with such rage that I have built up walls around myself. Add in walls of fear and anxiety to make it even harder for me to open up to others.
I wish I knew how to erase the anger. Part of the problem is that I never let people (excluding family perhaps) know when I was frustrated with them. Thus, my feelings built up over the years.
Sometimes I want to approach everyone from my past and be honest finally. “Do you remember how you promised to be there for me and then broke my heart on Valentine’s Day before pretending everything was fine? Do you remember all of the times that you treated me like a pest and said that I was annoying just because I was friends with your siblings and had a crush on you? Do you remember when you wouldn’t let me hang out with you because I was too weird? I sure remember.”
Another part of me wants to show them. I want to prove that I am not worthless. For years, my dream was to be a famous actress and prove that I could be beautiful, popular, talented, admired, etc. Other ideas switched with that one at times – an author, a singer, a scholar. However, each occupation had the same outcome; I would eventually come home and show that I was above being teased, abandoned, forgotten, or belittled.
Both of those options seem pretty implausible. So what are my other choices? Do I live with all of this anger brewing inside? How do other people manage to do that? I sure cannot.
Perhaps I will find forgiveness slowly. I just wish that I knew how. Nothing seems to work. Each year just adds more anger and stronger walls. There has to be another way to handle this.