From theater to Disney, my life has constantly been filled with places where I need to smile. I enjoy smiling. When I see others smiling, my heart feels lighter especially if I helped bring about their joy. I don’t mind keeping a smile on my face for hours on end when I see it positively influencing others.
However, I sometimes feel more like crying than smiling. Then, I realize that people think of me as someone who always smiles. Who would I be without my smile? This haunts me.
I don’t feel like I do great at my job. I never thought I was talented on stage. I rarely think I do anything well, to be honest.
But I smile. I smile until my face hurts but never let that show.
Often I wonder if people think that is all that I have to offer. Oh Anna Rose. She’s not very quick or pretty or talented or smart. But she sure can smile. She’s the happiest person that I know!
Thus, when someone (usually a stranger) tells me “Put a smile on that pretty face” or “Let me see that smile,” I want to scream. I want to yell that I need a moment to rest from constantly putting on a smile and trying to brighten the world around me. Instead, I just force my mouth upwards and try not to cry.
I want to believe that people will love me no matter what, but deep down, I think they will leave me the moment I stop being smiley and cheerful. Who am I if not positive and bubbly? Could I possibly have more emotions than just happiness?
On day, I hope that my depression and smiles will merge, that I will see myself as one person instead of nothing without a smile. Until that day, I will keep grinning and trying not to cry when others scold me for a flaw in my happy demeanor.