Be quiet. Do not complain. Remain strong like nothing is wrong.
Those are voices in my head. Sometimes those messages are helpful. Usually, however, these words create more drama and pain in my life. Instead of being honest about difficulties, I try to manage by myself until I end up sobbing, feeling alone and defeated.
Being in Orlando has taught me a strange fact: I draw people to myself.
Writing that means that I must admit it which is hard. Me, a people person? Me, someone who others like? Me, friendly?
Yet, it is true. Whether chatting with a stranger on the bus or the new person at work, I enjoy knowing people’s stories which they, in turn, enjoy telling. When numerous people are asking to hang out, I must admit that something I am doing (or maybe who I am????) is making friends. Strange how I have changed over the years.
Sometimes I just want to be alone and not be found.
The past few days, I have kept pretty quiet in hopes of being left alone. A few friends were contacted, but I mostly just stayed silent at home. Fear of seeing people or them even knowing I was back in the state overwhelmed me.
Was there a certain person or group of people that made me nervous? I am not sure. However, my panic set in whenever I imagined anyone finding me.
Is this PTSD? Isolation from depression? Social anxiety from Aspergers? I am not sure.
What I do know is that there are times when I just must be alone. Maybe I do not even want to be alone but I must. It is a strange feeling and overpowering to say the least.
Tomorrow, I am returning to Florida. Most of me is excited. Yet that fear of being found still lingers. Will it haunt me even in the Sunshine State?
My roommate said this amazing phrase the other day: “You have a way with people.”
“Yeah, a way of making them annoyed,” I wanted to quip. However, the negative remarks just stayed in my head as I smiled in thanks.
Her response had to do with a story I had told her about my day. Earlier that afternoon, I went to Harry Potter World at Universal Studios for the first time. Stepping into Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade was truly a magical experience.
Meeting Princess Anna who also has problems with promises
“But you promised.”
That is one of the resounding thoughts in my life. I am constantly disappointed because someone promises to hang out with me or give me a present or be there for me but he or she fails to keep to what they promised.
The other day when I was grouping people onto the carousal – AKA herding them into a small space to count how many people will be on the next ride – which is a job that terrifies me because I need to tell guests to do something they hate doing, a fellow cast member and great friend named Amanda said one of the sweetest things ever.
“You have gotten so good with people!” She beamed. “I feel like a proud mother.”
Saying goodbye is so difficult, yet I will not stop saying “Hello.”
This is a lesson that I have learned numerous times in my life. Meeting dozens of people in treatment and then saying farewell without knowing if they would even survive, watching employees come and go at the place I lived, being in over thirty shows with different groups of people each time – I have been forced to say many goodbyes.
In my creativity class today, we assessed our creativity. The first part looked at our personality traits that matched those of other creative people. Meanwhile, the final part of the assessment graded our creative thinking skills.
Strangely enough, I ranked fairly low on the average scale in my personality traits but in the high margin for my creative thinking skills. This made me realize how Aspergers or Autism affects creativity. Those with this type of brain are not less creative than others, but we exhibit it in a different way.
As you maybe could tell from my title, I went to Fantasmic for the first time today and loved it. This show at Hollywood Studios was brilliant and breathtaking. I look forward to seeing it again and again.
Knowing that I can sit and watch a show full of bright lights and loud noises yet still enjoy it is wonderful. I have come such a long way. The little girl with great anxiety who could not be in crowds or watch fireworks is still me. However, I have grown and adapted.