Well, I just moved back into school and am already busy with work. This is my last semester…that is something I do not even want to think about right now.
So, onto the list instead. Sorry, I am a bit short today. Honestly, it has been filled with writing for Celebrity Cafe, moving into school, packing, and church. Hopefully this list will be fun for you still.
Goodwill is one of my favorite places to find bargains.
This week, after putting off my grocery list for too long, I finally went to several stores. My needs were not to many, but the trip encompassed three different shops and took several hours. Thankfully, I was finishing up school break. However, doing this was oddly relaxing.
Shopping can be a coping skill sometimes. This is hard for me to admit because I struggle with both extremes of this activity. Normally, social anxiety and sensory overload keep me from malls or crowded places like grocery stores. When there, however, my escalated emotions cause me to start pull things off the shelf like crazy. Knowing how to find a balance is difficult. Yet, when I do, shopping can be a fun, invigorating activity that leaves me feeling accomplished.
There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. ― Steve Maraboli
Good, perfect, holy, sweet, innocent, beautiful, kind, pure – there are so many words that described who I wanted to be ever since childhood. These were goals to achieve, standards impossible to meet, reminders to keep my behavior appropriate, and chains that constricted my life.
If I could sum up my life purpose, it would probably be this sentence: “Just be good.” That is how I lived for years, yearning to be better but always falling short.
Learning how to balance may be difficult but is essential for a peaceful life.
I tend to swing between two extremes in my life. This trait is common for those with aspergers, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and other such health problems. Either I am overjoyed or wanting to die from depression. People are prefect and can do no wrong or are terrifying beings that want to hurt me. Before I used to overeat and now I struggle to have anything. The list continues on and on.
However, living on the extremes leads to feeling overwhelmed, miserable, and anxious. Instead of finding a peaceful balance, you continuously are zooming up and down like on a sonic teeter-totter. Sometimes, I feel that my grip on the handle is loosening which will cause me to fly off.
Water lilies might be drained of water or receive too much but they are pretty resilient.
Each morning, I wake up and long for a few more minutes. However, my classes start early and I drive for nearly an hour to arrive at my university. Thus sleeping in until 6:30 is not an option.
Then I lug the backpack filled with text books, a small snack, notebooks, and a calming acupuncture bracelet around campus. Open and down stairs, across streets, through buildings, I weave about campus. By the afternoon, my classes finish but I feel ready to collapse.
A picture of me at 18 right before I started college in 2010
Well, today I am going back to college full-time for the first time in two years. Part of me is thrilled. I have always loved learning and growing in knowledge of the world around me. However anxiety has also been plaguing me lately. What if I fail? There are so many things that could go wrong. I stand in the middle of a huge mountain. If I labor forward up the treacherous cliff against the chilling wind, I will finally victoriously reach the peak. However, if my foot slips even slightly, I will slip and fall down to my demise.
When I first went to school in Fall 2010, I was confident and excited. As I walked past the president of my school, I gleefully proclaimed that I wanted to take every class at the school. My plan was to major in Early Childhood Education as soon as possible and get a job teaching children. Everything was going to be wonderful. About a year ago, I had been weaned off of depression medication and a few months before I had been diagnosed with Aspergers. With new self-awareness, I thought that I would be able to fit in with the other students and have a wonderful 3 1/2 years.
However, life often twists in ways we do not expect. The simple choice of saving money by not purchasing a meal plan turned out to be my downfall. Although I commuted from home, I began to slowly but steadily restrict food. As I failed to make friends, my already fragile confidence shattered. Only by becoming skinny and beautiful I could be loved. Already one of my core beliefs, this lie grew stronger until it consumed most of my thoughts and actions.