I am free. Well, I am free from my university to embark to new places, meet new people, have new experiences, and face new fears. Sure, there are still things that hold me back such as student loans, anxieties, commitments, and finances. However, those do not control my life completely.
Today was lovely. As I walked across stage and listened to my commencement, tears welled up in my eyes and trickled down my cheeks. Being in this position, fighting so hard to recover enough to get through school, refusing to back down on my beliefs or give up on my university – my college journey has not been easy. No, not easy but it has valuable and empowering.
Today, I sent in my last work to finish up my college career. All that needs to happen now is walking across stage tomorrow. After all of the tears and anxieties, the days when I wanted to die and times when I never thought the work would be done, I am finally finishing. The feeling is so surreal.
Of course, the Disney College Program does involve classes, and I plan to get my doctrate. However, this is still a huge step forward in my life and a great accomplishment. Persevering through this last year has been especially difficult. There were so many days when I considered dropping out or giving up instead of getting my work done. Thankfully, I continued.
Wow, what a beautiful weekend! Happy Monday everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed their Mother’s Day, and had a sunshine filled weekend. Well, it’s official, I’m officially done with my senior year of college (and EVER!) The only adjective I can describe this feeling with is weird. I don’t think it will hit me that August that I will not be returning to St. Bonaventure University for another year of college. It feels like time is absolutely flying by. I mean, I’ll be wearing a cap and gown Sunday and receiving my diploma. SO so so so so weird, but exciting at the same time. This week’s Motivational Monday definitely is for all of the college graduates out there getting ready to leave something so familiar behind, and dive into the unknown.
If you focus on what you’ve left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead.
My lovely roommates have decided that I must go to bed at a reasonable time tonight after not getting more than 5 hours of sleep per night for a week. We reached a compromise of before midnight. Thus, this post is rather brief because there is much to still be done.
However, I must say that I love my roommates. Sure, not staying up will be stressful. However, I need the rest to get my schoolwork done well and perform to the best of my abilities at work. Plus, not taking my medication for a couple of weeks is starting to make my thoughts really hard to manage.
Anyway, a big thank you and much love to my lovely roommate Katie for taking on the role of my mother. Also thank you to her accomplice Kaitlyn. I love you both! Having you as my roommates has been such a blessing.
It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail. – Lech Walesa
Over the past semester, bitterness towards me school has built up inside of me. The firing of dear faculty, condemning of my views, and belittling of me with others’ superiority has bothered me. At times, I did not know if I even wanted to walk with my graduating class this May.
However, the last few days have amazingly melted away some of my bitterness. A wonderful chapel speech from a great leader who complimented my performance and knew my name, kind words from the class president who also remembered my name (how?), and a surprisingly uplifting theology class all contributed to this change. Plus, numerous relationships are healing beautifully and making me sorrowful about leaving Minnesota.
I am certainly not in a plane like the nice ones that I rode to Oxford.
This semester is starting off like an airplane that is catapulted into the sky instead of starting from the ground slowly. I feel both invigorated and exhausted. Part of me worries about the future if I continue on in this fashion. However, the thrill of being busy and learning so much is almost addictive. Because of that, I wanted to share what my Monday, Wednesday, and Friday schedule will be. Although it is only the first day of school, the feeling that these classes will be impacting my blog keeps tickling my brain.
First, my day starts at 9:10 when I have Systematic Theology which covers why we believe what we do as well as forcing us to do theology. The idea of actually figuring out and studying what I hold as true is frightening and also exciting.
After this, my university has mandatory chapel. This might involve singing, a speaker, and/or community prayer. In one sense, it is relaxing. Yet, part of me becomes antsy as I long to do something and worry about my daily tasks and homework.
The Bodleian Library where I spent hours studying in Oxford
Today, my adviser helped me to pick my schedule for the spring. Just thinking about my last semester at the university is frightening. Where will my life go from here? How will I adjust to the “real world”? What about all of the courses that I longed to take but will never be able to anymore?
Part of me feels like leaving this school will be breaking off a part of myself. Instead of dwelling on this fear and sorrow, I am trying to remember that I still have more than a full semester left. Right now, there is still left to enjoy my school experience. Here are some of the classes that I am most thankful for taking over the course of my college years.
Normal eating on a college campus is very difficult.
When people question why I am struggling and slipping back into some restriction again, so many reasons pop into my mind. However, one of the top responses is simply that no one eats normally on a college campus.
Now, I should amend that statement. It appears to my eating disorded brain that no one eats normally on a college campus. That is probably more accurate but just as difficult to face.
My roommates are actually some of the few students I have encountered who have a very healthy relationship with body image and food which is a huge blessing. They eat regular meals and share different types of snacks with each other as well as offering some to me. Plus, their way of reaching out and caring for me by making meals or even packing my lunch is so sweet.
On the covered bridge in Bath which is one of the two in Europe to have shops on it
Today I turned 23. Wow, that number makes me feel so old. That might sound silly, but I feel like I should be done with school and moving on with my life. Perhaps I should be engaged or in a serious relationship. My job should be more professional and sophisticated.
Anyway, I am trying to remember that I am on a different path than the typical 23-year-old. By the way, who really is that typical young adult? Could I meet them? Everyone is unique and has a different life journey. Fitting into certain boxes because of our age does not work always.
Classes start tomorrow. While working on my internship earlier today, I found myself seeing people and things that made me think of Oxford. Surges of sorrow struck me as I realized that this was just an illusion.
I am glad to be back at my university in the States, I really am! However, it is agonizing thinking of what I had at Oxford. I wish that I could stay in the moment and enjoy what I have here.