What is depression? How does it feel? Why does it make people so miserable?
There are many different answers given to those questions. Everyone with depression experiences it a bit different. Some might say that it is like a whirlpool pulling them under while others attest to it being locked away in a pitch-dark cell. For some, the loneliness is the hardest part while others cringe from the self-loathing.
Do you ever feel overwhelmingly full of nothing? The emptiness inside threatens to burst out of your skin and squeeze the life out of you just as it is doing silently inside. It balloons out of your mind and into your heart, lungs, toes, arms, every inch of you.
This emptiness makes breathing feel like you are trying to swallow concrete and walking as difficult as raising a marble pillar from the ground with each step. I want to sleep all day with utter emptiness in my smile, intellect, and movements. However, night brings terrors of that same lonely gap inside of myself.
This band might have dark songs, but their honesty and glimmer of hope make the music powerful.
66. Selected Imagine Dragons songs
Rock music usually overwhelms me. Heavy beats and screaming lyrics were what I associated with this genre. However, as I have been exposed to more types of music, my tastes have begun to broaden. The first song that I heard by Imagine Dragons was “Radioactive.” The somber lyrics and apocalyptic feel bewildered me, but something about the eerie tone transfixed me. As I have listened to more songs by this band, I have found that the morbid nature of their lyrics actually has some hope hidden beneath them despite the darkness in our world. Likewise, depression can cause one to see things in a grim light, yet hope remains for those of us who struggle with mental illness.This is one of the reasons that I chose them for Media Monday.
In the depths of depression, people sometimes cannot even find the will to commit suicide. All energy to hurt themselves is drained away from their spirits. Walking through the halls at work, smiling at a friend, waking up in the morning – all of these simple actions take exhausting energy. Even normally enjoyable activities fill one with apathy. The world is painted black, and each movement one takes is like trying to go through tar.
This lack of motivation to live is one of the most difficult parts of depression. There seems to be no hope in sight even when others are clamoring to look on the bright side of life. Mentally, you know that good moments are in store and the world is not an evil place. Yet, the heaviness inside is greater than one person can hold.
A note that I wrote and placed on the grave of Tolkien – he is an amazing writer who inspired me.
Monday is my media day. That is what I should write about and focus on in today’s post. Doing anything different would be against the schedule that I set and posted for my readers to see. Thus, I would essentially be lying to them as well as not being organized.
These were the thoughts that circled through my head several times today as numerous ideas came to me about this blog. Each idea was shot down by my brain or written on a note to address in the future.
At play practice tonight for the show on creativity and faith, I realized how often I tell my inner artist no. The ideas and creativity that wells up inside of me is silenced by the scholar, the perfectionist, the organizer, the judger, and the practical part of me. No wonder writing seems like such a challenge with no joy! I am no longer engulfed in imagination or the process; it has become a task, a way to function and communicate. That is all.
Last night, I opened my computer to find an email from my internship that stabbed my heart – Robin Williams had died.
It might sound silly or stupid that this news hurt so bad. However, the pain that someone is in when they commit suicide is so immense and hopeless. Immediately, that emotion raced over me. I understand that dark place and pray that no one else finds themselves there. Yet every day, multiple people die because they can not find the light or strength to keep going. That is one of the saddest things on earth.