A Beautiful Ray of Sunshine

Happy Easter Sunday

The sun peaks through all times of life.

When people passed me today and asked how I was doing, I honestly answered, “Actually, I am doing well today!”

After a rough week, today was a beautiful ray of sunshine and hope. The meeting with my dietitian and therapist went well, although I still am struggling even with a reduced meal plan. Shopping at Goodwill allowed me to find a few outfits for Florida. Then my class before Easter break was short but full of wisdom and deep emotion.

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What I Wish That I Learned in Eating Disorder Treatment

Figures of women in Oxford

Figures of women from a museum in Oxford

The past few days have caused me to realize that there are many things that I wish I learned in eating disorder treatment, important aspects of living a normal life with food in it. Without these lessons in treatment, I have struggled greatly to try to adapt to the real world and maintain my recovery.

Now, most of my time in treatment was instructive, healing, and motivating. Health care providers gave me hope with their optimism and constant support. Fellow friends in recovery stood by my side and told me their own stories. Therapy groups taught me to use music, art, CBT, or my faith as a coping skill. Dietitians crafted a meal plan to support my body, lifestyle, and other needs. Acupuncture, yoga, family nights, outings at restaurants – all of the different activities allowed me to heal and explore new aspects of myself that had lay dormant for years.

However, something was still missing. More was needed in my treatment to help me further along in recovery.

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What to Do When You Don’t Trust Your Doctor

“You did gain weight since I last weighed you.” My dietitian finally admitted this morning. “What has been happening differently?”

I wanted to scream. For the past months, she has listened to me moan about my fear of gaining weight and heard me say that I have put on more than my goal amount. However, she never believed me.

“That is just your eating disorder talking,” was her typical response. However, I am not stupid. My clothing feels different, my body looks different, and people talk about my appearance differently. Sure, I am paranoid about my weight, but something is certainly happening. Now she acts surprised when I have been trying to tell her this every meeting.

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The Loss of Another Medical Caregiver – How Long Will This Go On?

Unless one says goodbye to what one loves, and unless one travels to completely new territories, one can expect merely a long wearing away of oneself and an eventual extinction. - Jean Dubuffet

Unless one says goodbye to what one loves, and unless one travels to completely new territories, one can expect merely a long wearing away of oneself and an eventual extinction. – Jean Dubuffet

A handwritten note on top of my pillow was one the first thing that greeted my arrival to my own bed. It read “Sad news – [my dietitian’s name] is leaving.” My heart plunged as I realized the reason she had not responded to my emailed questions for the past few weeks.

That is it. She is gone without a goodbye or explanation. This feels like deja vu. Just last summer, my previous dietitian (who was an Olympic athlete that I greatly admired and enjoyed) left. Thankfully she gave me a bit of warning. However, my doctor left last minute too last May. All of this loss adds to my misery over leaving Oxford and my friends there as well as being estranged (but maybe willing to return to) my therapist and still suffering from heartbreak. Why do people have to keep leaving after being so close to me?

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