Order and disorder, form and formless must have profound psychological roots, nervous roots.
– Delmore Schwartz
The other day, someone asked me, “Is everything you do disordered?”
Stumped, I just looked at them with an open mouth. Did that person really just ask me that? Blinking rapidly kept tears from falling down my face. However, after I pondered the question for a few minutes, the answer seemed less clear. Was everything that I did disordered? If so, did I need to change everything about me?
I stand while reading or working on the computer instead of sitting to get “exercise.” My daydreams about working out at the university gym certainly do not come from a healthy place. Most of my food, clothing, and friendship choices are dictated by my eating disorder, aspergers, anxiety, PTSD, or OCD. There are certain behaviors that cause myself harm – but not too much harm – that might still function as SIB.
So, taking those all into account, is everything that I do disordered?