As pain shot up my legs and my head spun like a merry-go-round, I felt eerily invincible today. Even scarier, my feelings were akin to those at the end of my first year of college. After so much hard work at recovering, I am slipping backward into the pit of restriction.
Eating disorder recovery is one of the hardest processes I have ever endured. Many times, I long to flop down on the ground and die. After a long and painful year, I finally broke inside and could not keep trying to move forward to a healthier place. Giving up by restricting and fantasizing about self-harm seems simpler.
However, even at this low point, I do not want to let these last five weeks mirror my Freshmen year. So many things in my life are different from then. Sure, I still feel ugly, unloved, untalented, and friendless. But there are arguments to be made against those beliefs. Since Freshmen year, guys have told me that I am beautiful, family have stood by my side through at my worst points, directors cast me in several shows, and even tonight friends supported me in buying a salad and actually eating it. Those are all beautiful blessings that I would not have foreseen as a Freshman. I studied at Oxford, was accepted into Disney, traveled to London, was paid to write for a website, applied and was hired at a job…So many steps forward have been made.