If I could erase one emotion completely from my life, I would eliminate bitterness.
Anger frightens me. When someone annoys me, I bite my tongue and inwardly scream until I have no voice. If a person hurts me, I fake a smile and brush off a few tears as a cauldron of fury bubbles inside.
But I struggle to confront or actually deal with the anger. Complain to others? Perhaps. Face my own anger? Never.
Memories haunt, words remind, fears remain, but I will survive.
When people warned me that he wasn’t a good friend, I just smiled sheepishly and shrugged. Sure, he was not perfect. Yet, a quirky, introverted, socially-anxious preteen girl took the friends she could get. So, I told myself repeatedly, “It’s not a big deal.”
It’s not a big deal if he tells me to shut up. I do talk too much.
It’s not a big deal if he belittles my dreams. They won’t come true anyway.
It’s not a big deal if he slaps my face. It was a gentle hit to keep me from being too weird.
Well, time has certainly passed since I posted one of these lists. However, there were a few links that I wanted to share. Plus, getting back in the schedule of regular posting on my blog is a goal of mine.
So here are some great links both pertaining to mental health and Disney (where I just began to work again yesterday) as well other interesting topics.
Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. – Maya Angelou
Over the years, so much anger has built up inside of me. There are groups of people, individuals, places, and things that fill me with such rage that I have built up walls around myself. Add in walls of fear and anxiety to make it even harder for me to open up to others.
I wish I knew how to erase the anger. Part of the problem is that I never let people (excluding family perhaps) know when I was frustrated with them. Thus, my feelings built up over the years.
For some reason, certain emotions seem to be linked together more often than others. Happiness and relaxation, sadness and tiredness, stress and irritability.
Another pair that I often link is loneliness and hungry. When I am lonely, I get hungry often. This does not seem uncommon from what I can tell. Others seem to eat when they are lonely or feel unloved.
Lately I’ve been spending much more time doing new things. Things I’ve never got to do in a long time. Going out to eat, or spending the day watching movies and video games with a friend are amazing experiences for me. However I can’t help but feel empty when I go home. It’s as if the happier the time I have, the harsher the it feels when it’s over. Am having a hard time processing such feelings. At the end of the day my loneliness still finds a way to haunt me.