Being the Fat Girl Still

There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. ― Steve Maraboli

There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. ― Steve Maraboli

When I look at myself in the mirror or think of my weight, I believe I am a huge person. The awkward, lonely overweight girl that I used to be still is my self-view. Thus, trying to look nice, being complimented, and looking at myself are all very stressful experiences.

However, I lost a great deal of weight with my eating disorder five years ago. Despite that fact, the same scared feeling and desperate desire to lose weight is inside of me. It haunts me all of the time, making it hard to eat, get dressed, take a bath, etc.

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Top Ten Quotes on Compulsive Over-Eating

Mario eating food

Mario eating a S’More

Even for people aware of eating disorders, compulsive over-eating tends to be forgotten. After all, the danger appears to be less if someone is eating and keeping the down the food. However, the agony of this mental illness is just as real as are the medical consequences. Heightened blood pressure, diabetes, loss of mobility, and depression are just a few of the conditions that can accompany compulsive over-eating.

Instead of seeing this type of eating disorder as less important, we should try to support and understand those who struggle with it. For years, this plagued me. The result was deep self-hatred, poor body image, and longing to starve myself. Obviously this disorder is a serious problem and not something to belittle or criticize.

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Body Image is the Last to Go

There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. ― Steve Maraboli

There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. ― Steve Maraboli

Two weeks into Lent, I am having nearly 100 percent of my meal plan every day. Giving up restriction has been simpler than I thought. At the same time, it has been miserably hard. Sometimes, I just want to scream and go back to starving myself.

One of the hardest elements is the constant nagging voice in the back of my head. “You are so fat,” it hisses. Anytime that I sit down, see myself in the mirror, look at my body, or feel my clothing on my skin, I feel nauseous. How can I live in this body for the rest of my life?

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Fat Talk Scarily Becomes Easier

Looking in the MirrorThrough my teenage years, I never engaged in fat talk. After all, why draw more attention to my disgusting body? When other girls complained about their appearance, I cringed inside because I knew that they were healthy while I was obese.

However, anorexia and losing weight has made talking negatively about my body easier. Scarily, each day this talk becomes even more simple. Now, I can spout out the very language I hated other people saying. Worse yet, there are sometimes people who weigh more than me in the room. I am, in fact, becoming the very person that hurt me growing up without ever intending to be cruel.

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The Truth about Fad Dieting

pastry

Do fad diets really work?

“Lose weight in 10 days without trying!” “Eliminate these five simple foods for a better shape in a week!” “Make dieting easy by trying our new supplement!”

We are surrounded by headlines such as these every day. Magazines at the grocery store, ads on television and even comments from friends repeat such phrases. The words and instructions might be different, but the message remains the same; you need to lose weight quickly.

However, do such diets as advertised really work? No, not for the most part. There are certainly exceptions, but fad diets tend to be backed by poor scientific research and have no lasting results. In fact, these programs designed to make us healthy often backfire and cause discomfort, further medical issues or eating disorders.

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Eating the “Right” Amount Contains Variables

Tea

Afternoon Tea

Today, after not eating much, I met a friend at school for dinner. Organic, gluten-free pizza was one of the only vegetarian options. Anxious, I asked my friend to choose what I should have, and she decided the pizza. But how much should I have? One piece was a bit small, but the size of the pieces was rather large. Thinking back to treatment only made me more anxious.

I grabbed one piece but was still hungry after finishing it. So, my appetite beat my eating disordered voice as I went to get the second piece like my friend had told me to do in the first place. Now, I feel miserable about it, but it seemed like the right choice at the time. This eating thing is so confusing.

Anyway, when I returned with my food, I looked at my friend and pleaded with her to support my choice (although she already had). “Is this a normal amount? Would most people eat this much for supper? Is this too much?” I kept inquiring questions of that sort.

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Blessed by Foiled Plans

Walking in the woods

Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.
– Socrates

On this blog, I try to be a mixture of hopeful and honest. Every post attempts to touch others and bring light into the world. At the same time, the writing serves as a coping skill for dealing with my own life. And I desire to have live hopeful but honest about my conditions, dreams, and identity.

The past few days, knowing what to write has been a bit of a struggle. Nagging thoughts that quieted for a short time have overtaken nearly every moment.

“Your stomach is fat. Just pinch it and see,” they shriek every time I attempt to eat. “Just give up. You have no future. What a waste of space!”

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Recovery in the Media. #37. Hairspray

Both fun and touching, this film shows that everyone is beautiful in their own way.

Both fun and touching, this film shows that everyone is beautiful in their own way.

37. Hairspray

Acting in musicals has taken up a great deal of my life. Other the years, I have been in around 20 to 30 plays. Thus, movies with music are some of my favorite films to see. When I went with some friends years ago to see Hairspray, I was not sure what to expect. Although some of it made me uncomfortable. However, I left the theater feeling happy and optimistic about my future. Finally, there was a girl who looked more like me but was depicted as beautiful and worthy of being loved. Because of that theme, Hairspray is the movie that I chose to highlight on Media Monday.

Note: I chose to discuss the 2007 version of the film. The original 1988 movie is great too, but I wanted to focus on the musical version.

Synopsis: Tracy longs to dance. If people would just give her a chance, this bubbly teen knows that she could make it big. However, her large weight makes the popular girls sneer. Undaunted, she befriends some African-American dancers and tries to make it onto Corny Collin’s television show. Despite the fury of Velma Von Tussle, the choreographer, Corny chooses Tracy to be on his show. At first, all of Tracy’s dreams seem to fall in to place: the cute boy Link notices her, her mother starts having fun, and the teenager is becoming a celebrity. However, as the mistreatment of Tracy and her new African-American friends continues, the tough girl realizes that something needs to change so that all people can be valued and accepted.

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Is Thin Ever Thin Enough?

Why is it that thin is never thin enough?

No matter how much a woman or girl weighs, I often hear her complain about her body.  Sadly, this trait seems to be rising in males as well.   Most people tells others that weight should not factor into self-worth.  But we rarely apply that same belief to our own physic.

Instead of realizing the beauty of our bodies, we force them to the limits and then complain about their weariness.  My legs carry me around each day, but I grimace at the normal layer of skin and fat on my calves.  Every flaw is highlighted while each strength is forgotten.

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Consumed by Food

Girl with teacup During my trip to London, I did fairly well with food.  Sure, it was difficult dealing with my eating disordered thoughts during the day.  However I was able to stay strong for the most part and enjoy my trip.

However on Saturday afternoon with mom, my stress finally boiled over.  That evening we were planning to go back to the wonderful little Indian restaurant where we had dined our first day.  Although I had loved being there, I worried about having too many of the “fat” tallies in my meal plan.  Anorexic thoughts hissed in my ear “You can’t have fat at lunch and supper!”  Tension built up inside of me as my mom and I searched for lunch.

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