Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. – Maya Angelou
Over the years, so much anger has built up inside of me. There are groups of people, individuals, places, and things that fill me with such rage that I have built up walls around myself. Add in walls of fear and anxiety to make it even harder for me to open up to others.
I wish I knew how to erase the anger. Part of the problem is that I never let people (excluding family perhaps) know when I was frustrated with them. Thus, my feelings built up over the years.
Right now, I am reading a wonderful book titled The Power of I Am by Joel Osteen. He states numerously the impact of our words and how they affect our lives.
For example, if you state that you are miserable, you are inviting that miserableness into your life. The same with being in debt, overweight, unhappy, etc. In a similar way, stating that you are blessed, healthy, financially secure, and joyful brings those things into your life.
For some reason, certain emotions seem to be linked together more often than others. Happiness and relaxation, sadness and tiredness, stress and irritability.
Another pair that I often link is loneliness and hungry. When I am lonely, I get hungry often. This does not seem uncommon from what I can tell. Others seem to eat when they are lonely or feel unloved.
Lately I’ve been spending much more time doing new things. Things I’ve never got to do in a long time. Going out to eat, or spending the day watching movies and video games with a friend are amazing experiences for me. However I can’t help but feel empty when I go home. It’s as if the happier the time I have, the harsher the it feels when it’s over. Am having a hard time processing such feelings. At the end of the day my loneliness still finds a way to haunt me.
Today, I am too sad to write anything. Plus, this day has been totally full of work and other less wonderful things.
However, I realized that my feelings are sadness, hurt, anger, and fear. There is no deep sense of depression or self-loathing. My thoughts are not at all challenging or hard to control. In fact, they have been perfectly fine here in Florida.