Can You Ever Fully Escape Your Past?

Imagine meeting an old group of friends or classmates. One person constantly belittled and even bullied others while growing up. Now, she listens well and even apologized for past actions. Another person, on the other hand, was shy and insecure. He still struggles to speak and usually complains about himself when he does speak.

Situations like this happen to me all of the time although not always in the same day. I meet people from the past who have changed tremendously while others are nearly identical. The questions arise, “Do people change? Can someone move on from the past? Are some people able to forget who they were?”

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Be, Do, Become!

This relates so much to how I feel. Some days, I know where life is taking me and am confident in that. Most days, however, are still filled with doubt about the future. And that is okay, I think. At least, it is fine for now.

If I had one single dream, there is no doubt that I’d chase it ferociously. Thing is, I have too many that I can’t articulate, so I find myself stuck. I love fashion, I love writing, I love photography, I love music and gardening and painting and people and…and…and…

I’ve always struggled with this- with having to define myself into one mold. (Which is probably why I’m 28 with an undeclared major.) There are just so many things that interest me, how is a person to only pick one to succeed at? To support their family with?

I was watching some documentary about these people who were so passionate about mountaineering they made it their life’s work to summit the worlds tallest mountains. This was their specific passion even though alarmingly dangerous, and they took it very seriously. In a country where you can pretty much do and become whatever…

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Afraid to Think of Growing Old

my headshot with short hair

2007 when I had short hair

I always wanted to be younger and dreaded growing older. Sure, birthdays were fun, but the reality that they brought haunted me. With each year, I become less innocent, more guilt-ridden, less joyful, more anxious, less healthy, more messed up.

Just the thought of being older terrifies me. I do not want to use a cane or go into a nursing home. Nor do I want to watch my children leave the home or my spouse die. In fact, maybe I do not even want a spouse or children.

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Motivational Monday

This is kind of where I am too! Sure it is scary and sad. However, there is excitement too in the journey ahead.

It's A Great Blog After All

Wow, what a beautiful weekend! Happy Monday everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed their Mother’s Day, and had a sunshine filled weekend. Well, it’s official, I’m officially done with my senior year of college (and EVER!) The only adjective I can describe this feeling with is weird. I don’t think it will hit me that August that I will not be returning to St. Bonaventure University for another year of college. It feels like time is absolutely flying by. I mean, I’ll be wearing a cap and gown Sunday and receiving my diploma. SO so so so so weird, but exciting at the same time. This week’s Motivational Monday definitely is for all of the college graduates out there getting ready to leave something so familiar behind, and dive into the unknown.

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If you focus on what you’ve left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead.

Alright everyone…

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Looking to the Future

Calling all women!

There are joys ahead.

Lately, hopelessness has become a major problem for me again. Thinking about the future fills me with dread. Looking ahead, all that I can see is darkness, emptiness, and loneliness.

Instead of dwelling upon this fear, I must try to find even small elements about the future that are exciting or wonderful. All of us have some of those things to look forward to even if they are small. Thinking about them can help us to have a goal we can aim for instead of just running from anxieties.

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Exciting News: Maybe I Will Get Mouse Ears!

Tuesday, I received exciting news. After applying that same day for the Disney College Program, I was asked to go through the first round of interviews. The web interview went well yesterday which led me to know having a phone interview scheduled!

This is a dream inching closer to reality for me. Working for this company, living there, learning there – all of it would be the experience of a lifetime.

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When the Future Seems to Frightening

Thinking about the future has begun to once again generate anxiety and hopelessness. How will I ever amount to anything in life? What can be done to make the world a better place? Is there any point in trying to do anything anymore?

For all of the worries and fears of the future, there can also be dreams and adventures. Sure, moving forward seems daunting. Yet I wonder why we focus solely on what could go wrong instead of thinking of potentially wonderful moments.

This video is rather simplistic but cute and cheered me up a bit. Hopefully, it will bring some cheer into your day too.

The future is not a black hole of destruction and pain. Finding the courage to face the unknown is scary. Together, we can better march into the worries of tomorrow with hope despite the sorrow around us. Joy and pain, giggles and tears, adventures and trials – all of these and more can be found in the years to come.

Worrying That the World is Messed Up

Do you ever feel anxious about the state of the world? Violence, natural disasters, and corruption seem rampant. This can lead to worrying or hopelessness in the state of our lives and futures.

Being worried about the nature of the world is normal but certainly not simple to handle. Since the beginning of time, people worried about what was happening around them. Horrific killings, wars, death, and starvation  are certainly not new problems. That does not make our current pain any lesser but can help us put it into perspective.

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Recovery in the Media: #61. The Giver

The Giver

This film explores what a world without emotions, choice, diversity, and memories might appear.

61. The Giver

This novel by Lois Lowry has long been one of my favorites. Going into this film frightened me because I loved the book so much. The depth of the novel seemed like something that the cinema could never capture. However, my mother stated her love of the film after viewing it at my new job. From the first minute, the actors and script captured my attention. Although not exactly the same as the novel, this movie has the same central message and heart. Plus, it helped me to realize more clearly the theme of emotions being repressed because of the pain that they cause. This convinced me to write about the movie for Media Monday.

Synopsis: Imagine a world with no discrimination, worry, pain, danger, or bad decision making. That probably sounds perfect. Jonas has lived his whole life in such a place. However, when the teenager becomes the receiver who holds all past memories, he realizes his life for what it truly is – a prison where no one can make choices or feel true emotions. What is worse, the pain from the past or the half-life of the present? Jonas must decide not only for himself but those that he loves. Continue reading

What I Am, What I Am Not, What I Could Be

Ruth and me

My friend and me at her wedding

Today, my mother and I went to the baby shower of my best friend through high school. Since then, we have remained close at heart but taken very different paths. She did two years of mission work, finished college two Mays ago, married last November, and is now pregnant with a little girl. That is miles away from anything that I have experienced.

Going to Oxford proved to myself that I could accomplish great things. Now, I am more confident about my future. Although nothing is easy, the strength to go far and be a bright light is inside of me.

Balancing what I am, what I am not, and what I could be one day is difficult. Sometimes I wish that I was different and had a life more like my friend. Thus, this post is mostly a coping skill for me to practice learning to accept where I am and press forward with hope.

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