Erasing Bitterness

Mountains

Mountains in the distance

If I could erase one emotion completely from my life, I would eliminate bitterness.

Anger frightens me. When someone annoys me, I bite my tongue and inwardly scream until I have no voice. If a person hurts me, I fake a smile and brush off a few tears as a cauldron of fury bubbles inside.

But I struggle to confront or actually deal with the anger. Complain to others? Perhaps. Face my own anger? Never.

That is when the bitterness begins to grow.

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That’s Not Funny

Perhaps I am overly sensitive. Correct that statement: I am overly sensitive. However, there are times when people laugh and joke about subjects that make me cringe.

Normally, I just look away (or move away, if I can) and ignore them. Inside, part of me is screaming to speak up and say, “That isn’t funny!”

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Someone Will Fill the Holes

Kelly Clarkson sings this song “Piece by Piece” so beautifully and passionately. So many of the words of it touched me. It is full of hope for those who feel broken.

I might feel like no one will ever be there for me, but numerous people have been. More will continue to step into my life.

Try to think of those people who helped make you feel worthy of love. Remember them instead of the people who ripped you apart. That is what I want to do.

How Do You Deconstruct Walls of Anger?

Fear of Anger

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. – Maya Angelou

Over the years, so much anger has built up inside of me. There are groups of people, individuals, places, and things that fill me with such rage that I have built up walls around myself. Add in walls of fear and anxiety to make it even harder for me to open up to others.

I wish I knew how to erase the anger. Part of the problem is that I never let people (excluding family perhaps) know when I was frustrated with them. Thus, my feelings built up over the years.

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The Hardest Words Are “Good Bye”

Breakfast

Breakfast with my wonderful coworkers

I hate endings. That is what saying “Good bye” feels like.

Maybe I will see you again. But maybe I won’t. That sense of not knowing makes it even harder.

If I knew for sure that you were gone from my life, I would learn to live without you. Painful, yes, but possible. I would learn to treasure you as a memory long gone from my life. You would become a thing of the past, beautiful but distant.

But if I am not sure if I will see you again, that aching continues. The aching to be by you side, to feel your hug, to laugh about nothing, to have a true friend.

“Good bye” is one of the hardest things to say. I feel torn about saying it today. Part of my heart is going far away and might never return again.

Recovery in the Media: #72. To the Brokenhearted: Being a Christian with Depression

72. To the Brokenhearted: Being a Christian with Depression by E.S. Huberty

Nine years ago, when I was doing the show Cinderella, I met a lovely and sweet girl who played one of my stepsisters. Over the years, we stayed in touch a bit although we rarely saw each other. However, her strength and perseverance always inspired me. Thus, when she wrote this book and had it published online, I was thrilled that she requested me to blog about it. The topic and message fit perfectly with this blog. Plus, she is a talented writer and storyteller which makes this book even better.

Synopsis: Can a Christian suffer from depression? This question is asked far too frequently. For many Christians, being depressed or anxious is viewed as a sign of failure or even demonic forces. Emmaline Soken-Huberty explores mental illness and faith in this read that is both quick and helpful. She looks not only at how mental illness and faith affected her own life but also how others can use her experiences to deal with their own mental health issues while remaining strong in their faith.

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Dissolving the Bitterness

It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail. - Lech Walesa

It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness prevail. – Lech Walesa

Over the past semester, bitterness towards me school has built up inside of me. The firing of dear faculty, condemning of my views, and belittling of me with others’ superiority has bothered me. At times, I did not know if I even wanted to walk with my graduating class this May.

However, the last few days have amazingly melted away some of my bitterness. A wonderful chapel speech from a great leader who complimented my performance and knew my name, kind words from the class president who also remembered my name (how?), and a surprisingly uplifting theology class all contributed to this change. Plus, numerous relationships are healing beautifully and making me sorrowful about leaving Minnesota.

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Listaliciousness: Traffic Cone Interviews, Dogs in a Photobooth, and Realistic Heroines

Just two days until the preview of Narnia! That is practically our opening night because we will have a full house just like all of the other evenings and afternoons. I can’t wait to upload pictures of my beautiful costume. Only a few days more to wait.

Anyway, there are lots of great links this week. Many are focused on health issues such as eating disorders, abuse, and Lyme disease. However, others center on fun topics like rumors about the upcoming Harry Potter spinoff. Enjoy!

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The Silent Scream for Help

Girl sadly thinking "what now"

Now what?

All of me has been screaming out today or really the past few months. My mind, my feeling, my very blood coursing through my body is screeching with pain. I do not know where to turn or who to go to as the thoughts grow louder and more desperate.

When I hear of people who cannot take it anymore and do something dirastic, I understand. Life can feel so unbearable. A box of hot iron box closing in slowly as it burns you alive, an avalanche of snow burying you frozen in place with lessening oxygen, a whip that cracks down open your back until you are raw and exposed with no ability to stand on your own – that is life now.

Yet, even looking at those metaphors seems lame. When I try to speak, my words embarrass me. Whines and petty annoyances, that is all I seem to articulate. People judge that and me which turns off even more of my lights of hope that I desperately tried to switch on. Flip, flip, flip. Each day, a few more lights are switched off.

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Top Ten Quotes on Self-Harm

Self-hate and self-harm

When we don’t know who to hate, we hate ourselves. – Chuck Pahlahniuk

Self-harm is a difficult topic to discuss. On one hand, you do not want to trigger other people which might result in them hurting themselves. However, staying quiet about it can cause you to harm yourself even more.

Lately, SIB has not been as difficult for me. Still, the urges will rear up at times. Here are some helpful quotes for understanding and suffering through this unhealthy coping skill.

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