Taking some time to slow down and relax while the snow falls
Whether struggling to put a seat belt on or not understanding a cash register at work, I face numerous situations that leave me feeling defeated and ashamed. I hate looking stupid or incompetent. When others are around and (potentially) judging me, giving myself the grace to make an error becomes even more challenging.
“I’m not an idiot.” I repeat that phrase to myself daily. Is it because I truly believe it, or is it what I want to think?
Sometimes the mistakes I make can be attributed to my ditsy side. Other times, my desire for perfection and fear of making someone upset makes me so anxious that I struggle to focus. Interestingly, my struggles can also be traced back to sensory overload. When someone else is talking in the same room, I struggle to hear anyone speaking to me. If an item isn’t exactly where it should be, I can search fruitlessly as all the other objects around me start to overwhelm my brain. Or if I try to do a task in a new order, I often stumble over my words or forget an essential component of the task.
Being back home has been bittersweet. My family is amazing, and babysitting my little brother every day has been a joy (you’re welcome, Mom). However, I feel like I am going crazy without the intellectually stimulating and independent life that I left in Oxford. Depression is beginning to set in, making me even more miserable. What am I supposed to do with my life now?
Instead of complaining about my current situation, I am going to look at the positives in the past few days. There are many benefits to being home. This Thankfulness Thursday will be focused on these wonderful elements of being back in Minnesota.
At my Toastmasters meeting tonight, I gave a speech on how numbers control our lives. This meeting was not only a normal club meeting but also a contest for the International Speech Competition. Whoever wins at this level proceeds to the next one and so on until you reach the international level. My club voted for me to represent them at the next level, and I look forward to giving this speech again in hopes to inspiring more people.
This ideas has ruminated in the back of my mind for over almost two years now. However, I never felt confident enough to speak about it. Numbers have always scared me. That shouldn’t happen for someone with Aspergers, I have been told. However, math caused me panic as I grew older. My mother maintains that I was good at it but lost confidence. Deep depression made me unable to complete any homework, so my dislike of this subject grew as my knowledge waned.
Last night at supper, I excitedly showed my father and sister the best thing since sliced bread: my jar of PB2. This amazing creation is powdered peanut butter that is delicious and not as scary for me to eat. As I added water and mixed the spread, I explained excitedly “It tastes just as wonderful as I remember peanut butter!”
Eyebrows raised in skepticism, my younger sister snorted. “That means it must not be very good.”
I felt like I was slapped in the face. So because I have an eating disorder, I can no longer be trusted about the taste of food? Yes, my anorexia has confused my body but I still have taste buds. Can’t I have preferences or opinions about food?