After arriving back in the USA a few days ago, I’ve been busy cleaning out all of my old boxes. Although I just moved back from China, my goal is to move abroad again for my Master’s Degree soon. Thus, all of the clutter in my old room and closet needed to leave.
As I pulled out old boxes and rummaged through dusty drawers, glimpses of the past kept appearing.
My fingers were stained pink and blue from oil pastel paintings made in residential treatment for my eating disorder. Babies surrounded by darkness, blood-red monsters devouring me, trees half blossoming and half diseased – images of despair and hope mixed with every color.
Dreams are etched deeply into part of our being – our memories, minds, or spirits perhaps. They influence many vital decisions and alter the courses of our lives. You can choose to stifle them deep inside, never allowing them to see the light and grow into a branch of your life. Alternatively, you can take a wild chance and follow them, knowing they might lead to pain and difficulty. In the end, you will always wonder what would have happened if you never give those dreams a chance.
Still, chasing a dream and catching it only to have it crumble in your fingers is agonizing. Having a fleeting idea fail or not enjoying a temporary situation is frustrating. Yet, realizing your dream that you fought for is a thing you no longer desire wounds much deeper.
Trying on huge hats at Chapel Hats in Downtown Disney was certainly a moments for my “happiness” folder.
I like labeling and arranging things. Putting my books in a new order (alphabetical by author, similar genre, date published, etc) was an exciting task that I did around once a month. Color coding priced items for a garage sale, rearranging the school supplies in my drawer, checking off items on a to-do list – being an Aspie might contribute to my enthusiasm of these tasks.
Similarly, filing things brings me joy. I have folders full of programs of shows, recipes to try, pictures of places to visit, and medical information about my medications. The things that I keep serve some purpose; I want to try to accomplish/make it some day, remember the time a moment happened, have information for later, etc.
Yesterday, while moving strollers and sweating terribly, I was stopped by two lovely girls. They were around my age and dressed like Rapunzel in beautiful purple dresses and braided hair with flowers in it. After I complimented their dresses, I expected them to smile and move on to a ride or show.
Instead, they stopped and very kindly asked me to take a picture. I agreed quickly and reached for the camera. Then, to my surprise, they shook their heads.
They wanted a picture with me. Both took turns posing with me. A feeling of excitement and honor filled. me. Sure, I was a bit awkward like in all photographs, but it was still lovely.
I am not sure if I looked enough like Rapunzel or they simply wanted my picture to remember the park. Either way, it made my day so much better. You never know what will spread joy to others. 🙂
I am free. Well, I am free from my university to embark to new places, meet new people, have new experiences, and face new fears. Sure, there are still things that hold me back such as student loans, anxieties, commitments, and finances. However, those do not control my life completely.
Today was lovely. As I walked across stage and listened to my commencement, tears welled up in my eyes and trickled down my cheeks. Being in this position, fighting so hard to recover enough to get through school, refusing to back down on my beliefs or give up on my university – my college journey has not been easy. No, not easy but it has valuable and empowering.
Losing my childhood innocence and security in the world shattered part of me.
I wrote this personal essay for school and wanted to share it with you. Hopefully, it will make you think about your first memory and the loss of childhood. This experience still haunts me at times.
Childlike, haunting music repeating endlessly – that’s the first thing that I remember. I was two years old, snuggled into my bed. Warm, safe blankets with loving, present parents in the next room, I understood the world as a child does: concrete, simplistic, beautiful, self-focused. Yet on that one night, one song motivated the cackling Greek fates to unwind the darkened portion of my life’s ball of yarn. Continue reading →
Sometimes I feel like the sky is always gray and life is full of disappointments. Depression sets in, casting a black net that entangles me in the worries of life. These are moments, days, times when I cannot see beyond the present pain.
However, I need to remember that there are beautiful skies ahead and beautiful stories surrounding me. Here is a great example of an image that most people would overlook but has a great story behind it.
Susan Boyle has a beautiful voice and spirit that is shown in her music.
69. Selected Susan Boyle songs
I still remember the first day that my mother showed my sisters and me the video of Susan Boyle singing on Britain’s Got Talent. Her stage presence, raw talent, and emotional connection with the song touched me and millions of others deeply. Since that moment, she has continued to prove to the world that judging someone based on appearance is wrong. Another remarkable story broke when she was diagnosed with Aspergers. My connection to her grew even stronger. Because of these facts as well as her uplifting themes in music, I decided to feature her for Media Monday.
“I Dreamed a Dream” from her I Dreamed a Dream album
“Both Sides, Now” from her Someone to Watcher Over Me album
“You Raise Me Up” from her Hopealbum
“This is the Moment” from her Standing Ovation: The Greatest Songs from Stagealbum