The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises. – Leo Buscaglia
These past few weeks, I wanted to show others extravagant love. Partly in an attempt to forget my deep depression and heartbreak, my mission on campus became to touch as many people as possible with kindness. One of the main ways that I chose to do this was by writing anonymous notes. Post-Its with quotes were slipped into backups, candies with uplifting messages were left in random mailboxes, and letters were written to numerous others.
However, I ended up only feeling drained. No matter how much I attempted love others, the sorrow inside ate away at me. Life seemed unbearable, making me want to end everything. Somehow (perhaps because I was too depressed to do anything), self-harm and major restriction did not begin again despite the strong urges. However, I knew that I could stay strong in my recovery for only so long. After such an amazing fall semester, my life was falling apart. Going back to the university, being an inspiration to others, and simply living any longer seemed pointless and impossible to handle any longer.
After putting out so much love to others, I felt empty and forgotten. We should not care for others just to receive something in return. At the same time, people cannot function simply giving of themselves and never receiving anything in return. Worthless and unlovable, disgusting and pathetic – that is what I must be based on what others thought of me. Or so I thought.
Then something amazing changed last week. Suddenly an amazing switch has taken place, and peace has filled me. Recovery, life, and friendship are possible.