After arriving back in the USA a few days ago, I’ve been busy cleaning out all of my old boxes. Although I just moved back from China, my goal is to move abroad again for my Master’s Degree soon. Thus, all of the clutter in my old room and closet needed to leave.
As I pulled out old boxes and rummaged through dusty drawers, glimpses of the past kept appearing.
My fingers were stained pink and blue from oil pastel paintings made in residential treatment for my eating disorder. Babies surrounded by darkness, blood-red monsters devouring me, trees half blossoming and half diseased – images of despair and hope mixed with every color.
Imagine meeting an old group of friends or classmates. One person constantly belittled and even bullied others while growing up. Now, she listens well and even apologized for past actions. Another person, on the other hand, was shy and insecure. He still struggles to speak and usually complains about himself when he does speak.
Situations like this happen to me all of the time although not always in the same day. I meet people from the past who have changed tremendously while others are nearly identical. The questions arise, “Do people change? Can someone move on from the past? Are some people able to forget who they were?”
I hate endings. That is what saying “Good bye” feels like.
Maybe I will see you again. But maybe I won’t. That sense of not knowing makes it even harder.
If I knew for sure that you were gone from my life, I would learn to live without you. Painful, yes, but possible. I would learn to treasure you as a memory long gone from my life. You would become a thing of the past, beautiful but distant.
But if I am not sure if I will see you again, that aching continues. The aching to be by you side, to feel your hug, to laugh about nothing, to have a true friend.
“Good bye” is one of the hardest things to say. I feel torn about saying it today. Part of my heart is going far away and might never return again.
There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. ― Steve Maraboli
When I look at myself in the mirror or think of my weight, I believe I am a huge person. The awkward, lonely overweight girl that I used to be still is my self-view. Thus, trying to look nice, being complimented, and looking at myself are all very stressful experiences.
However, I lost a great deal of weight with my eating disorder five years ago. Despite that fact, the same scared feeling and desperate desire to lose weight is inside of me. It haunts me all of the time, making it hard to eat, get dressed, take a bath, etc.
What a great coping skill to use! It might be difficult, but try to put yourself into another situation or experience something as another person. Even better, go back to a happy moment of your life. That sounds lovely to me!
Like many of you when driving, my mind races with thoughts of things I have to do, problems to solve, errands to run, crisis to deal with and so forth. Yesterday was different. As I was driving on a back road to get to a client’s home, I found myself following a gentleman, (or gentlewoman as I couldn’t tell; the only clue being the gray hair on the back of his/her head.) Because it was an awesomely beautiful day after a horrendous winter of being snowbound, the top to the MG convertible was down, sunlight shining happily on the occupant. Looking at the car, I recognized it as similar to the one bought with my own money when I was a teenager. My pride and joy that was purchased with my dad, a gentleman who did not generally interact with people, including me. Buying that car bonded us…
Losing my childhood innocence and security in the world shattered part of me.
I wrote this personal essay for school and wanted to share it with you. Hopefully, it will make you think about your first memory and the loss of childhood. This experience still haunts me at times.
Childlike, haunting music repeating endlessly – that’s the first thing that I remember. I was two years old, snuggled into my bed. Warm, safe blankets with loving, present parents in the next room, I understood the world as a child does: concrete, simplistic, beautiful, self-focused. Yet on that one night, one song motivated the cackling Greek fates to unwind the darkened portion of my life’s ball of yarn. Continue reading →
What happens when a compliment you are given turns sour?
Compliments are one of the best gifts that can be given. When you honestly affirm people, you acknowledge their worth and strengths. Even those of us who struggle with self-hate feel touched (if a bit embarrassed) when complimented by another person.
However, a nice comment can go horribly wrong and leave you feeling icky, frightened, and confused. PTSD can play a major factor in this, but many other mental illness or disorders (autism, bipolar, eating disorders, etc.) can complicate the situation. These brain differences might heighten the anxiety and bewilderment in how to handle the soured compliment.
This happened to me a few days ago at work. People appear to viewer servers and waitresses as subhuman sometimes. Men and women alike will take out frustration on me or order me about in a way that they would probably not do to anyone else. I am learning to breathe deeply and ignore these types of people after I help them.
Huge announcement: Big Hero 6 is an awesome film. I laughed so hard, more than at any movie I can recently remember. Tears also came to my eyes at certain moment. I guessed a few of the plot twists but was surprised by other parts. If you want to see a great film that any age can enjoy, check this one out.
Anyway, here are some more links to get your week started or finish your weekend. One is political which might seem strange especially since I am afraid of politics or offending people. However, the story is interesting no matter what party you support. Other links have to do with eating disorder and other mental health issues as well as some fun events concerning television and movies. Hopefully you will enjoy them.
This film explores what a world without emotions, choice, diversity, and memories might appear.
61. The Giver
This novel by Lois Lowry has long been one of my favorites. Going into this film frightened me because I loved the book so much. The depth of the novel seemed like something that the cinema could never capture. However, my mother stated her love of the film after viewing it at my new job. From the first minute, the actors and script captured my attention. Although not exactly the same as the novel, this movie has the same central message and heart. Plus, it helped me to realize more clearly the theme of emotions being repressed because of the pain that they cause. This convinced me to write about the movie for Media Monday.
Synopsis: Imagine a world with no discrimination, worry, pain, danger, or bad decision making. That probably sounds perfect. Jonas has lived his whole life in such a place. However, when the teenager becomes the receiver who holds all past memories, he realizes his life for what it truly is – a prison where no one can make choices or feel true emotions. What is worse, the pain from the past or the half-life of the present? Jonas must decide not only for himself but those that he loves. Continue reading →