Why Do Loneliness and Hungry Go Together?

Olaf cupcake

Olaf cupcake

For some reason, certain emotions seem to be linked together more often than others. Happiness and relaxation, sadness and tiredness, stress and irritability.

Another pair that I often link is loneliness and hungry. When I am lonely, I get hungry often. This does not seem uncommon from what I can tell. Others seem to eat when they are lonely or feel unloved.

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Old Habits Die Hard

Mickey Ghost Apple

Sometimes I am okay with eating, and other times I struggle.

Why is eating so difficult? I eat too much or too little or get rid of it but mostly just obsess about it all of the time. When will I be free of this?

Getting rid of an eating disorder, escaping its clutches, is so much hard work. Will I ever be free? I am not sure but certainly hope so.

Despite my present annoyance at myself, I know that there is progress being made. Do I mess up? Sure. Does that make me an awful person? No. I am human and make mistakes.

Still, fighting the voice inside is so difficult. There are many small victories and big setbacks each day. Progress is all that I can hope for right now.

Still Feel Like I am Starving

Mario eating food

Mario eating a S’More

Lately, I have been eating enough food again. Maybe even too much, my brain keeps fearing.

However, part of me still is starving. I look at food and think that I need it to stay alive. I constantly think of my next meal. Food, weight, health, food…this runs through my mind all day.

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Today I Ate Too Much…And That is OK?


Breakfast with my wonderful coworkers

This morning, I had a character breakfast at Ohana which is in the Polynesian resort. Piles of Mickey waffles smothered in syrup, selfies with Lilo, and laughter with friends were well worth the price.

“You will not eat the rest of the day,” I told myself. However, my friend stopped for food in Hollywood Studios. I joined in a bit nervously. After that, there was a College Program party where more pizza was served. Once again, I joined in the festivities, feeling happy but fat.

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Ten Things Not to Say to Someone with BED or Compulsive Overeating Disorders

Mario eating food

Mario eating a S’More

When thinking of eating disorders, most people know about anorexia and bulimia at least by name. However, even more common are disorders that fall under EDNOS or eating disorder not otherwise specified. Two of these are BED  or Binge Eating Disorder and Compulsive Overeating. These are just as painful and certainly dangerous to your emotional, physical, and mental health.

Another hard element of these eating disorders is the judgement that goes with them. All eating disorder are judged, but if you also struggle with being overweight, that makes it even worse. Although most people would not have labeled me as having one of these disorders, I certainly feel like I had them through my teenage years. Some of the comments that I heard have altered my body image and confidence for over a decade now.

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Dark Heart and Dirty Fingers

I must warn you: today was not pretty. Writing a warning label never appealed to me. It seemed silly. However, this post might need that. You could possibly be triggered by this poem.

My heart is hurting so much although talking to my mother and being helped by two dear friends was very beneficial. Thus, totally explaining everything is too much. Here is a poem instead. It is nothing fancy or polished. It simply comes from my raw state of being.

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Cycle of Overeating and Restricting

Mario eating food

Mario eating a S’More

Ew, gross. That is your first thought when you wake up and look in the mirror. The stresses of work, traumas of the past, and pressures in your relationship are all too much to handle, so you skip breakfast. And snacks. And lunch. Before you know it, the sun has set in the evening, and you still haven’t eaten one bite.

Head whirling like a carousal, you stumble over to the fridge to make a salad. Healthy, right? But the leftover cake catches your eye. Just one bite, one little nibble…a half of an hour later, the cake is gone as is a jar of peanut butter. Still, you continue to search, now in a state of frenzy, for more food. Your stomach cries out like a ravenous beast as you tear about the kitchen in search of prey.

After a tiring binge, you lie down for sleep. The barren craven of your stomach that throbbed all day now aches as Noah’s flood rages inside of you. Lulled to sleep by your own tears, you promise to not eat anything tomorrow. You must be stronger.

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Ten Reasons I See Myself As Better and Worse Than Others

Me at Goodwill

We have reasons why we are better/worse humans even if we do not realize them.

At my university’s chapel yesterday, the speaker gave an amazingly candid and thought-provoking exercise for us to do. “List the reasons why you think that you are a better person or Christian than others. Then list the reasons why you are worse.”

Even more shockingly, he went on to list some of his reasons. I similarly made lists in my notebook. Looking back at the items was a strong jolt of reality for me. Pride and superiority is a far bigger issue in my life than I ever realized. In fact, all of us seem to battle this more than we want to admit even if it is hidden in the guise of self-hate.

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Lapse, Relapse, or Collapse

Taking on the Woes of the World

It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it. – Lou Holtz

When someone who struggles with a mental illness or addiction slips back into unhealthy habits, it is often labeled as a “relapse.” However, where does one say that a relapse is detrimental versus part of the normal recovery process?

If someone eats two extra cookies that were not in her meal plan, is that a relapse? Why, then, is the same word used for the man who eats a whole pie, tub of ice cream, and three bags of chips? Similarly, “relapse” describes when a girl cuts herself once or 100 times.

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What I Wish That I Learned in Eating Disorder Treatment

Figures of women in Oxford

Figures of women from a museum in Oxford

The past few days have caused me to realize that there are many things that I wish I learned in eating disorder treatment, important aspects of living a normal life with food in it. Without these lessons in treatment, I have struggled greatly to try to adapt to the real world and maintain my recovery.

Now, most of my time in treatment was instructive, healing, and motivating. Health care providers gave me hope with their optimism and constant support. Fellow friends in recovery stood by my side and told me their own stories. Therapy groups taught me to use music, art, CBT, or my faith as a coping skill. Dietitians crafted a meal plan to support my body, lifestyle, and other needs. Acupuncture, yoga, family nights, outings at restaurants – all of the different activities allowed me to heal and explore new aspects of myself that had lay dormant for years.

However, something was still missing. More was needed in my treatment to help me further along in recovery.

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