Have you ever felt both guilty about not serving people more and hurt because no one cares for you as much as you do for them? This has plagued me for much of my life but was especially difficult today. I long to be selfless, but being overlooked or taken advantage of stings.
On to cheerier matters, here are my weekly links. Art, nature, and England seemed to be the main themes. Perhaps that is not so hard to believe seeing how much I love all of those topics. Enjoy! Continue reading →
This British driving sign states what I want to do right now.
Three Fridays ago, my brain whirled with pain as it spun in a mad circle while knives jabbed into it. For several days, I have felt much better if still a bit woozy and weak. Today, however, the agony returned.
Wednesday, just make it until Wednesday. That continues to replay in my mind. Then, I will be at the doctor again to have my labs drawn. Hopefully the results will be better, but I doubt that highly. Flashbacks to my freshmen year of college streak through my head. My eating disorder’s siren voices lures me into the ocean where I am sure to sink and drown if I continue to follow.
My mother is an amazing person. She cares for and loves me to the best of her abilities. However she is not perfect. In fact, she is not even my therapist.
Often times, I interact with my family as if they were my medical caregivers. When I self-harm, their confused and angry response terrifies me. Times when I need consoling, they might be warn out and unable to listen. The way my Aspergian brain works still bewilders and annoys them. Thus, I am left longing for therapy from people who (despite their love) do not have the training or energy to give me that.
Think of the most awful event in your whole life. Then imagine reliving that time and time again while feeling powerless to stop. Your heart rate quickens, thoughts race, and breathing begins to race as your body begins the fight or flight response.
This is an example of how someone with PTSD might feel when triggered. Every person responds differently, but there are some common factors for all who suffer from this disorder. Although logically in a safe place, this person feels the panic and vulnerability from a past experience. Physical sensations accompany mental terror which makes this type of anxiety difficult to face alone.